Sunday, September 9, 2012

Ahhhhh, Autumn!!!! Can you smell it?  Are you looking forward to the lush oranges, reds, and golds that will freckle the earth soon?  I, myself, cannot wait.  I love when the weather turns from hot to brisk.  I love the smell of the leaves, grass and trees swaying in a slight breeze.  I am hypnotized by the scent of fireplaces starting up, pumpkin patches blooming, and warm, comfort foods simmering away on stove top or crock.  I wait all year for autumn to come around again and when it does I slip into my sweaters and my hoodies. I find my favorite jeans, the one with the rip in the knee, and the bottom of the legs in tatters, and I curl up on my sofa with a good book, my cinnamon tea and if it's just chilly enough I can use my brand new orange throw to wrap around my legs.

Autumn is a time for comfort.  We should use this time to connect with home and feelings of comfort.  It's a time to take stock of your surroundings.  Like with spring, when that is a time to plant seeds, and start new beginnings, autumn is a time to harvest and appreciate that which we've sown.  It's a glorious time to really connect with what is surrounding you. Take stock. Look around.  Do you like what you see?  What you see is a reflection of what you've planted all year long.  If you don't like what you see take stock of what it is you would like to change and begin NOW in taking the steps do so.  If you do like what you see then breathe it in with your whole being, pat yourself on the back and bask in what you've accomplished.  Begin the harvest of blessings and give thanks and appreciation for each one. 

I'm always so grateful every fall.  I look around and I'm just filled with a joy that I cannot even express.  Even if I'm going through angst or turmoil there is just something about a burgandy or burnt orange leaf falling at feet that just turns my view around.  I feel tremendously at peace when these moments hit.  I feel not only bliss, but joy, pure joy from inside and radiating out, and as that joy permeates my enviornment more joy is attracted to it and more prosperity and abundance flows to me.

I place a few leaves on the stove in water, and I start to pepper them with nutmeg, cinnamon and allspice.  I poke at large, navel oranges with cloves and hang them in my home. I start baking apple turnovers and pie, making pot roasts and chili's, and decorating my home bringing in a bit of the outside in with fall colored flowers and leaves.  I start this all in September before the weather has really acclimated to MY mood.  My body is still on New England time no matter how long I live in Las Vegas lol.  I don't care that my air conditioner is still on, to me, it's fall and I'm starting early so I can enjoy it before December hits and I'm into my winter. No! No! No! I will enjoy every month, day and minute of this glorious season! 

So, if autumn doesn't fill you with the same, giddy feelings I'm enjoying, it's fine...we all have our own season we embrace, but all I ask is for you to see the harvest.  To take the time to relish in what you've planted and what has grown.  If nothing has grown, keep watering and tending to it, nurture it, protect it, and soon you will be able to harvest YOUR desires and YOUR joy. 

Monday, January 17, 2011


Getting what you want is easy. It requires only one simple trick. Be honest.

*Be honest with yourself! Know what you want. Be sincere about it. Don't get caught up in what others think you should do, should be, should act, should speak...get caught up in YOU. Know what you want in life, love and from others. Be true to yourself. The key to all doors opening is within you. Never be fake or felonious about what you want. Pretending to like something when you don't. Not doing what you do enjoy because others don't like it. If you want a tatoo, then get one, stop worrying what so-n-so will think. WHAT DO YOU THINK? Write down a list of all the attributes you want in a partner, a job, a friend. Be genuine and don't waiver based on fear of what others may say or think.

*Be honest about WHO you are! Know who you are and be genuine about it. Never pretend to be something you are not just to win something or someone. It never works. Eventually the real you will seep through and others will be wondering what happened to that other person. How would you feel if someone posed as something completely different and when you're knee deep into a relationship with them, that person vanishes, and you're left with someone unrecogizable. We've all been through it, and we have all struggled to figure out "what went wrong?". Nothing went wrong. They were fictitious, not real. And you end up dumbfounded thinking you did something to shift the person. NOPE. They were not being honest. Always be who you are. Never wear a mask to fool others, it robs you of valuable time as you end up miserable in the end trying to keep up the facade. If you are always honest about who you are, you will find those who are like minded, and or compatible with you drawn to you. Being genuine is the best gift you can give yourself.

*Be honest about what you feel! How many times have you said, "Oh, that's okay" when it wasn't? How many times have you said "nothing's wrong" when something was? How many times have you lied and told someone their words or actions didn't bother you, when really you were seething? May I ask why? Why would you not speak up for yourself. As I've said in other blogs, you need not explode. Being diplomtic, fair and acting and speaking with integrity will always get you further than remaining silent or vomiting your emotions all over the place. It's important that you speak your truth, express how you feel and not supress it. You will never get respect if you do not respect your own words, and feelings. You will never get what you want if you do not ask for it. If you fear not getting it, and fear rejection, staying silent will only prolong the time before you are eventually robbed of something you want. How many instances have their been when you felt something was wrong in a relationship, or it was moving in the direction you wanted it to, and stayed silent out of fear the other person would leave you if you spoke up, only to find yourself months, or a year down the road feeling abandoned when they leave anyway? When someone loves you, wants you and respects you, they will respect your words. They will listen. It's only when they have another agenda that you end up disappointed and/or hurt. Staying silent only delays the inevitable. Taking control of your life, speaking your piece and being true to yourself and your desires gets you very far!

*Be honest with yourself about the situation! Seeing a situation in a true light makes it difficult for others to pull the wool over your eyes. Too many times we believe what we want to believe when all the signs are there that something is not authentic or healthy. We tell ourselves how busy our man is that is why he can't call...A phone call only takes a moment, you'd make time for him, wouldn't you? How many times have we made excuses for someone's bad behavior? Have you ever convinced yourself that you were in love yet you walk around crying sad, angry or hurt all the time. Love shouldn't hurt. Love doesn't make you insecure. Love doesn't enjoy your tears flowing every 5 minutes. Be realistic. If there is lipstick on his collar, it's not his mothers. If he hasn't called in 2 weeks, don't blame his job. If he isn't committing, stop listening to others tell you "he's been hurt before"...we've all been hurt before, get over it. That doesn't make someone a commitment phobe, it may make them cautious and a bit guarded but it doesn't make them a player. Wake up! See the situation for what it really is, not what you "believe" it to be. If you've only had one date, don't start fantasizing about the wedding. Stop worrying if he/she likes you, and figure out if you like them before you start printing the invitations. Be honest with yourself about the situation, and the decisions you make, and the action you take.

*Be honest about your limitations! This is actually a huge one. I cannot tell you how many people do not go for their dreams, or head for their goals because SOMEONE ELSE told them they couldn't do it. Never listen to what others tell you that you CAN'T do. You can do anything your heart desires. Some people who give you advice are actually exhibiting their own fear by saying you can't do it. They would never have the guts to do it, and they can't fathom what it would be like to have that job, move to that city, or marry that man will only give you grief. Never listen to others telling you what your limitations are. If there is a will there is a way. If your mind can conceive it, and your heart can believe it, then you will achieve it. Be honest about what may be limited in doing. If time is an obstacle or money, then set a goal for a time table (i.e. by August I will do this...) or set a goal for a budget or savings. If you see a limitation, figure out a way to remove that obstacle, the proceed ahead!

Being honest is the key to everything. If you never lie to yourself, about yourself, to others or reality, you will never have one excuse to make, or apology. You will seldom disappoint others or yourself. You will not create obstacles on your path. Honesty opens doors, and allow light to shine on your own happiness and destiny!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Not happy? Why Not???

My job as a spiritual advisor is a laborious one. It can be draining and quite heartbreaking at times when clients are stuck in unhappy situations, or simply unhappy within. I wish I could wave a wand and make it all go away. Sadly, I cannot. However, I can assist them with tools they need to turn that frown upside down.

First and foremost it's important to recognize what it is you're feeling. When we're stuck in an angry place, we then turn that anger inward (if we do not express it) and it can turn into depression. It sits, like a weight, in your soul. It festers, and it starts to mesh with everything within. It blurs what reality is, and sometimes we cannot see a way out. Recognizing what it is you're feeling, (i.e. disappointment; anger; resentment; feeling controlled; loss of control; confusion), and acknowledging that it's okay to allow yourself to feel this is the first step.

No one likes to see someone they love unhappy. Those who care for you such as friends, family and lovers may try to tell you to snap out of it or to think positive, and though their advice may be appreciated it can, most times, be quite annoying. If you could just SNAP OUT OF IT you would. No one wants to be stuck in the myre. It's best that you don't try to explain yourself to these people. I say this because there are people that just want to fix you, they want you out of that funk because it makes them uncomfortable, or worried, and when you explain yourself they ALWAYS feel the need to give even more UNWANTED advice. So, thank them for their concern and their assistance and let them know you are aware of it and need some space.

After you recognize what it is you're feeling, it's important to review what has happened that has thrown you off balance. It could be the loss of a relationship, a friendship, a job, finances...the list is endless. But, one thing people don't think of is the "core". The core is what has happened to us in the past. Past experiences we THOUGHT we worked through because we started to feel better, but in reality we never really did, and we've supressed certain things that were unpleasant or we could not change. We learned to live through it, til eventually, it's long forgotten. However, your spirit never forgets. And it can be as simple as a change of season, a scent, a statement someone made that TRIGGERS that old wound and for some reason feelings of despair can arise and lend way to sadness. We don't know why we feel this way. We don't know why we can't let go of that boyfriend/girlfriend. We don't know why we lay awake at night in a pool of sweat with worry. It's just a feeling.

I've had a great many clients obsess over an ex, and worry excessively over finances. This is completely understandable. BUT, the key factor is to figure out what it's triggering in you. Is it you fear being alone? Did it trigger abandonment issues from the past? Are you concerned about losing your home or car? In most instances it triggers our feelings of not being appreciated, having no control, feeling as if you're navigating without a compass.


There are some tools that I've learned through the years that have been tested and are tried and true. If applied and your serious about pulling out of it, these do work. As silly as they sound.



1. GET UP! GET OUT! MOVE AROUND! When we fall into a sad state (I hate the word depression) we tend to become lazy and lacadasical. We sit in our PJ's much of the time. We eat canned or processed food because cookinng is just to exhausting. And we watch pointless infomercials waiting for this feeling to pass. It's important that you GET MOVING! Get up. Don't crawl in bed for more than one day. Moving and going out side help to promote your intake of oxygen. Oxygen is needed for new cell growth. You need it to revive. If you sit, unmoving, shallow breathing, you are actually making it worse. As much as it's a pain to get up, do it anyway. Move around. Go for a walk.


2. DON'T DRONE ON AND ON ABOUT WHAT IS WRONG! We all do it. I'm guilty of it and I've made a conscious effort to never do it. We get on the phone. We tell anyone who will listen what that S.O.B. did to us. We seek validation and/or soothing from our friends. But lets be honest. We never believe them when they tell us how amazing we are, so in reality it's futile and pointless. Don't drone on and on. No one really wants to be on the other end of the phone while you list everything that's wrong, and then go into the ailments you have now. Stop. Catch yourself. Saving the droning and bitching for your journal. Paint it on a page. Vent, let it out. Say things you would never want anyone to read. By letting it out once a day on a journal, it's cathartic. But talking about it day after day, and hour after hour, only makes you feel worse. It makes you RE-LIVE those moments, pulling you deeper.

3. CON FRONT THE SITUATION: This is a big one. I have to be honest, most times I've been in the muck and myre and clients have as well, one of the biggest issues is "I should've said this...I should've done that..." It's always, and I mean ALWAYS, a matter of closure. If the sadness is caused by not having closure with an ex, or anyone else, don't sit stewing. Say it. Speak your truth. If you were abused. SPEAK YOUR TRUTH. If you're offended, or been hurt. SPEAK YOUR TRUTH. If you were abandoned. SPEAK YOUR TRUTH. Everyone is so afraid to say anything. Everyone has a reason; they don't want to be rude. They don't want to look foolish. They don't want anyone to think ill of them. STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK OR WHAT THEY'LL SAY AND WORRY ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK!!! Stop putting everyone else first. You need not go ballistic and snap and call someone foul names. But you can compose an email or even say it to someone's face that you do not appreciate how you've been spoken to or been treated. It's never okay to allow yourself to sit in that mud. Get out of it, pull yourself out of the quicksand, and SPEAK YOUR TRUTH. If you don't you will carry that for months, sometimes years, and you've now created a new trigger. Never fear expressing how you feel. It's when you DON'T express it that it becomes baggage.


4. FOCUS ON THE DO'S NOT THE DON'TS! When I get in a funk, I first thank the universe for all I DO have, not what I DON'T have. We all get caught up in what we lack, and focus on that. Instead, look around at what you do have. You have family and friends that love you. You have beautiful sunsets. You have an awesome pot roast in the freezer. Be thankful for what you have that is tangible. You have a roof over your head, food in your mouth and clothes on your back. Focusing on what you do have is amazing. It changes your entire persepective and it snowballs. What I mean is you will be thankful for (my example) that beautiful candle you have in your bedroom. You then begin to think how you have a great job that affords you the luxury of buying that candle. You then begin to look at the home you've built and the comfort of home....It just snowballs into something wonderful. BE THANKFUL!

5. REALIZE WHEN A DOOR CLOSES A WINDOW OPENS: Sometimes we're too lazy, or fearful to cut things out of our lives that are NOT healthy for us. We stay in a bad relationship because we've invested a lot of time or we THINK we are in love when really it was just comfortable and routine. The universe has a way of shaking things up. We have a kind and loving universe, not a punishing one, as much as everyone likes to think so. And sometimes the universe is sending something so much better your way. You can't see it. You can't believe it. But, trust me, it's true. Look back on every other devastating instance in your life, and how you were actually grateful it's gone now because has it stuck around you may never have gotten to where you are now. THERE IS ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS SOMETHING BETTER AWAITING YOU. And the sooner you pull yourself out of the bad place, the faster you will attain it.

6. BE MINDFUL OF PATTERNS AND TIMES OF DAY! When I got divorced, a divorce I initiated and one I was ELATED to have lol, I never thought I'd fall into a sadness state, ever. I didn't really, but I noticed that each day, around 5 or 6 I'd start to feel a little melancholy. Didn't understand why. Then I realized, 5 O'Clock was when my husband would come home. The house was alive with the kids running around, me making dinner, all of us at the table talking about school, work, etc. I became mindful of it and I began to change the routine. I started making dinner at 4 pm occupying my mind and starting THAT OLD PATTERN sooner in the day, and completely wiping out what "use to be" and replacing it with "what is now". So keep track of the times you are feeling most down. What usually happened around this time? Is it a pattern you established? And switch it up. For some, this sadness comes at bedtime. Feelings of being alone. Buy some new sheets, new PJ's, pamper yourself leading up to bed time making yourself a favorite snack, grabbing a good book, putting on PJ's and making a bedtime routine a nice, pampering ritual. Slather your skin with some wonderful smelling lotion (aroma therapy), lighting a candle. Whatever you enjoy. It's your time!

7. MUSIC! MUSIC! MUSIC! Do NOT put on some sappy "I love my man" song, or a country song that deals with "I lost my car, my wallet and my dog" just makes it worse. Turn on a song from high school. "Party Like It's 1999" is my all time favorite. It reminds me of my high school graduation and my foot starts tapping, my body starts moving and before I know it I'm dancing in the living room with my 12 yr old. Yes, the dog looks at me funny, but who cares...I'm having a blast. Music lifts you play it. Dance. And have some fun, damn it!

8. GET A READING ON YOU, YOU, YOU! Don't focus on HIM, HER, THEM! It's all about you right now. Don't ask questions about future love, future job, blah blah blah. Ask, "What can I do to get on my path?" Find out what the core issues are, how to unblock them. How to address future situations that you may encounter. Ask an advisor how to speak your voice. Focus on you. Too many times, and it's totally understandable, a client wants to know what someone else is thinking and feeling. The key is to figure out what YOU are thinking and feeling, focusing on you. Starting over is difficult, it bites, it really sucks, but if you have an outline of what you want to do, and get insight as to how to achieve it, you will get there so much faster.

You've heard it all...."Everything happens for a reason", "Every cloud has a silver lining", "Today is the first day of the rest of your life"...And all those other hokie 70's poster ads...but it's true. You've been gifted with a life, why waste one moment of that life? Why allow burdens to pull you down and make your life so difficult? Start to turn it around. Begin today. It's time to be happy. When you are happy, you exude and ooze joy, which attracts more joy, more abundance and more prosperity. You draw into your circle amazing experiences, people and situations. When you stay in the sad place, you draw in more sadness. Get up...wash the stink off you...and get moving!!!

Love and Blessings,


Saturday, January 15, 2011

Understanding Readings and Readers


private readings available HERE

     I cannot tell you how many times a client, usually a new client, comes to me and assumes I'm all knowing.  As if I'm a magick 8 ball that they can shake and get whatever answer falls out.  I assure you, that is NOT who I am, and I'm not a production line type of reader. In fact, HATE those kind of readings!  Let me explain why...

As an empath and as a spiritual advisor I read energy. I do use tarot to assist me in time frames and also the action of another. However, that being said, my job is to give the messages that come through.

I know that in the age of internet and new technology a client has a plethora of sites and others who are "gifted" who can assist them.  The accessibility is immense.  However, I am not able to give readings in this manner as that is not how I operate, nor am I comfortable with doing so. 

Back in the day, prior to internet and all the other avenues of which to access spiritual advise, a client would come for a reading, sit down, ground and center and then ask their question.  As I began the reading, I was alotted the luxury of speaking as the messages flowed.  I sometimes ramble as they come in quickly, other times I am trying to read what is before me accurately as it may be a bit fuzzy.  The client would sit and listen, I'd either tape the session so they could replay it later, or the client would take notes of importance in the reading.  Seldom was I interrupted, and usually the messages came through fast, and accurately.  At the end of the reading, or before moving onto another area, I would ask the client, "Do you have any questions, or need clarity on what just came through?" And if they did, we'd address it, I'd go deeper, or we'd simply move forward with the next area and next set of messages. 

But, nowadays, due to the high price of per minute charges, a client comes in with a list of questions, doesn't allow me to get all the information, but continually interrupts me as I'm delivering what I have for them.  It breaks the flow, it makes me switch gears rather fast, and though I'm able to do it, I loathe it.  It wears me out.  My energy becomes very aggravated.  It feels as if I'm spun in a circle then made to walk in a straight line.  I get very annoyed, and aggitated and my energy becomes scrambled and it WILL make me end our session short if it's too much.  I usually tell the client, please don't interrupt as I have more messages for you on this question, or please do not jump around like that as it is not good for the flow, and if they continue, I clam up, the messages stop and/or I simply refuse to read this situation.

I do understand that money is a factor in this jumping around.  People want all their questions answered, and they may have limited funds.  If that is the case, I do understand and sympathize, but in all honesty you are only robbing yourself!  I say this because you are NOT getting the entire message, you will then act upon what is given to you.  You may feel even more confused after the reading because it was not clear or it was not a full, direct answer.  So it is very, very important, PRIOR to your reading to sit for a moment, not allow emotion, fear or any other overwhelming feeling to control you.  Sit, ground, breathe deep and become clear yourself.  Sit with pen in hand and jot down ALL THE QUESTIONS YOU HAVE...then, if your funds are limited, pick 2 or 3 that are of the most important.  If you want to know about your relationship, simply stick to that. And when you go to your advisor, ask them clearly what you wish to know, and LISTEN to what they are saying.  If you allow your advisor to speak and allow the flow to move forward, you will not only have THAT question answered, but most of the time she/he will answer questions you haven't even asked yet.  If you allow the flow, you get such an indepth answer to each question.  Before you jump in with the "...but...and....will..." LISTEN because I guarantee you, if you are getting a reading with me, I will be giving you more information about that person than you ever thought to ask about.

There are key elements to receiving a great reading and getting what you pay for.  It's important to be clear about what you want to know.  Most times a client is confused and that confusion can cloud your own hearing.  When you are nervous, frenetic, upset, depressed, or low energy you are not hearing what is being said, rather you're hearing your fear, and it's very important you listen to what he/she (the advisor) is TRULY saying.  A great many clients repeat what I said back to me, and taken it completely out of context and I have to re-explain because their fear got in the way, that is a time waster and money sucker as well.  TAKE NOTES...DO NOT ADLIB...If you are NOT clear on what they are saying then state that, and if they are rambling in a direction off topic, end the call.  It's important that you know what you want, I cannot state this loud enough.

Secondly, understand that advisors (readers) are people too. We have high energy days and low ones.  We have more than one client.  We have some that are searching for a better path (I love those clients because they are truly taking control of their own lives and willing to do the work at hand), and there are others going through a very intense and difficult time in their lives and require more attention.  So please understand there are days that your advisor may not be available as we need time to rejuvenate and regain our energy.  If we are deprived of this, the readings will falter and you do not want that!


I have blocked certain clients for different reasons, most times it has been due to their beligerance.  First and foremost, respect what it is I do. I am 45 yrs old, a single mother, and I've spent over 20 years studying, going to seminars, taking classes, and eating, sleeping and breathing metaphysics and learning how to perfect the gift I have.  I did NOT go out and just buy a deck of tarot cards and learn their meanings and open shop.  I actually have been empathic all my life, and didn't start to do this professionally until 6 yrs ago.  Ethically, I had a problem with doing so.  But when I learned more and became more and more comfortable with what I am, I decided to enter this profession to assist and to guide.  I strive to empower, and motivate others and teach them the tools to get what it is they want and need out of their lives. My goal was to help YOU...not just to give you answers about your love life, but tools to assist you in not wasting your time on psychic vampires or negative aspects, but to focus on your assets, your goals and yourself.  Basically to put YOURSELF first and foremost! 

So, when I'm spoken to rudely, or someone starts calling me names, blaming me for another readers bad reading, or trying to bully me during a reading, I care NOT about a rating, I will simply end the call and block you.

Another reason I have blocked some clients had to do with my being able to not help them.  They are requiring far too much and/or becoming dependent on a reading or reader to get them through the day.  I'm trying to save them money, and I'm also not feeling comfortable with this any longer.  I will try numerous times to turn the client around and help them see how unhealthy it is, but more times than not, they don't care, and I, in good conscience, cannot continue with them for I feel it's taking advantage of the situation.  Ethically, and karmically, I won't do it.

And, I will be very honest here, others my cringe at me saying it, but I tend to be brutally honest, if I connect with you and I don't like your energy, I feel there is a manipulation or vindictiveness about a client, or I feel they are highly unethical or lack integrity or a moral compass, I will close session immediately and block.  I take on energy and THAT is energy I simply will not absorb nor read.  If I do not like YOU...I will not read for you.  I make no apology.  Those clients are few. I think I've blocked maybe 3 in the whole 6 yrs of reading professionally due to not liking a person's energy.  It's rare.

So, to recap this never-ending blog for today lol, my best advice is to be clear about what you want in your life, work your questions specifically, take notes and try to remain patient as the advisor begins the reading and flows with the messages.  Sometimes an advisors guides or even their tarot or any other form of divination may have messages for you that are MORE important than the question at hand, things you may be wise to listen to.  Not every question is answered sometimes, as we are sometimes not meant to give you these answers but a lesson is in store for you that MUST be learned in order for you to evolve. If that happens, where the reader cannot give you a yes or no, then it's wise to ask "what is my lesson?"  That may be more helpful.

Love and light...

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Saying Goodbye

Letting go of someone we love, or whom we had our "hopes" pinned on, is never an easy task. In fact, it's quite ardenous. It is riddled with angst, pain, sorrow, and doubt. And it causes us to have restless nights, and anxiety filled days. We walk around in constant thought as to WHAT to do. IF it was the right decision. And, most common, WILL he/she come back?

What many people don't realize is we DO need to mourn the loss, as we would a death. For it is a death. The death of a dream, hope, and potential.

What I find with many situations that aren't working and needing to be purged is we seem to hold onto the "potential" of the person/relationship. We've been blinded by the beginning of the relationship, as if this were truly the person they presented themselves to be, when in reality it was merely their representative.

We replay those first few months over and over, and we romantisize them from infatuation and illusion to reality and stability. That is not the case, I assure. Whom you meet, and whom you've been dating for the last 6 months, is not truly who this person is, nor is it truly who you are. We always put our best foot forward. We become the people we "aspire" to be. And when we enounter those first few twinges of chemistry we're high on dopamine and endorphins, putting us in a good mood, making even the most stressful situations in our lives, less tedious and aggravating. We are more at peace. We are more willing to compromise. Yet, 6 months later, when the endorphins have settled we become who we originally are.

What happens to most people when they are ending a relationship is they get stuck in those first few months. The focus on how he/she "use" to do this, or "use" to do that and how "good" it was. We all stay a little longer in a relationship than we should when things are going awry and there is no communication or resolution, and it becomes increasingly worse.

Women tend to over-compensate. They become less vocal, supressing their concerns and siliencing their voice in an attempt to "save" the relationship. When, in reality, supressing and silencing is only going to lead to resentment and shoving down important concerns. It's only through communicating that we find resolution.

But let's fast forward, you realize the relationship is not working and you start to think about either giving an ultimatum, or making threats, using silence to punish, or playing games. I will tell you straight out, NONE OF THESE TACTICS WORK! What happens is it causes more stress in the relationship and has you hyper-viligant and always aware of "things" going on. It leads to obsession. Your imagination starts running rampant and what you set out to do is actually backfiring.

Utlimatums do NOT work. It makes the other person feel controlled, even pushed, into making a decision they may or may not be ready to make.

Playing games, even worse, because it leads to confusion sending out mixed messages and returning to you the same mixed feelings, and then the wondering if they, too, are playing a game.

Silence is just combustable. When someone is ignored or dismissed as form of "setting boundries" without explanation as to why they begin to stew and eventually their frustration erupts in anger and will inevitably make the situation worse.

Too many problems and abrupt endings in love are usually caused by the above-referenced. I see it time and time again. Once you start the ball rolling in game playing and these other tactics the relationship is doomed. It's important to be honest. Honesty with the self is the key.


You realize the relationship is making you feel worse instead of better. The person you are involved with is not fulfilling your needs, despite you putting your heart and your energy on the line, and you discover that this relationship is not what you had believed it to be. It is important that you sit and ponder what it is YOU want, and realize it is YOU who is doing the choosing as to whom you want in your life. I see so many people worry so many nights regarding whether or not the person they want truly wants them. They obsess over how he/she feels for them, what they are thinking, what they will do, where the relationship is going, but it is rare when they, the person who is in the angst, takes a moment to ask themselves if this person is even worthy of their love and devotion. They've becomed so consumed with why the other person doesn't want them that they start to change into someone they THINK that person wants. UH-OH! BIG MISTAKE. For when you lose sight of who you really are; what you really want; and how you want your life to be, you will then set yourself up for a debilitating relationship that will never truly be worth it's salt.

So be honest with yourself, and I mean brutually honest. Don't make excuses for someone's disrespect of you, bad behavior, or failure to follow through. Look at it in reality, not in it's potential. Seeing someone only for what they COULD be and not what they truly are is detrimental to your heart.

Making the decision is the hardest part, once you make the decision to let this person go, and you remind yourself daily all the reasons why this isn't working, won't work, etc, then the hard part is over. We falter in this step because we are unsure, doubtful and teeter. It's important to MAKE the decision and stand by it.


There are a few healthy steps to this...First, tell the person it's over. Now this is normally where we go a bit overboard. Yes, there are some that deserve to hear the bitter truth about how horrible they were to be with and a list of all the repugnant things they did to make you end this relationship, but I will tell you from past experience, once you speak foul words, you cannot take them back. I always think it's best to end a relationship being the bigger person, the more classy of the two of you. Simply put, you tell them face to face (not on the phone, and not on text or email).

DO NOT GO OFF THE BEND. Be simple and to the point. Do not list all the things they did, it has much more of an impact if you say little about their flaws or bad behavior and more about yourself. For instances: "I just don't see a reason to continue this relationship. It isn't what I'm looking for, and I am not happy being here. I don't see this as progressing in the direction I want to take my life, and I wish you well". Now, I know to many of you you're laughing at this, but let me tell you, the mere statment of how it's not working for YOU packs a punch. The other person then starts to wonder "why" and they soon realize you are no longer accomodating their antics and you're focused on your own wants and needs. It's not selfish, it's just how it is.

Now, I know many of you need to throw something, kick something or burn something and this is the fun part. Write it out. After you end things, go home and write him/her a very long winded letter, outlining all the heinous things this person did and how they made you feel. Call him/her every name in the book, insult their mother, their dog, their private parts...whatever it is that you want to say. Now sleep with this letter, reading it each day, and revamping it. You HAVE to purge how you feel, and once you do, and once you no longer care what that letter says, burn it. Go around your home, collect all the trinkets and momento's and put them in a box and tape it up. When you're ready, discard it, or set fire to it. But whatever you do, do not put on a Michael Bolton ballad and sit with wine in hand sifting thru the box and remembering all the "good times". All that does is torture you. So seal the box and put it somewhere dark and scary.

Mourn the ending. That means giving yourself an alotted time to grieve the loss. I usually tell my clients to give it a week. A week of sitting in your pj's eating Ben and Jerry's monkey chunk. A week of staring at your phone waiting for it to ring (please, for the love of goddess DO NOT CALL HIM/HER). A week of crying into your pillow. And a week to just "deal" with it. After that time. Get up, wash the stink of you, and make sure you take care of yourself with hygiene, rest and food. The feelings of loss don't just disappear, but you can then decline your grieving time each day after your initial week to one hour a day to sit and recount what you want. You have to grieve because if you push it down and don't really review what happened, you are sure to either go back to this person, be pulled back in, or find another lover just like them. It's never good.

Many of us, when we end a relationship want the other person to pine, ache and just hurt. And trust me, they do in some form. We all want justice. We all have this secret hope that your absence will be felt and this person who treated us so poorly will WAKE UP and GET IT. Waiting around for that to happen only causes you more pain when it doesn't happen. Justice will prevail. They will reap what they've sown. But for you to sit on the edge of your seat waiting to SEE the results of this is not good. You're only giving this person more power, more attention, and more of you valuable time. You know the old saying, "A watched pot never boils"? Well the same is true in this instance. Waiting and watching and seething will only delay the process....

After you've grieved, vented, and started to heal, a reading is always a great way to start over. Do not focus on him/her, focus on you. Ask your advisor what transitions you're encountering, how to empower yourself, what is coming, what are the obstacles, what is the spiritual lesson involved and where your path is leading. Don't try to throw yourself into another relationship until you heal completely, and until your sadness and anger is gone. Focus on you. Focus on getting on path with your own goals and dreams. Asking your advisor how to obtain your goals and aspirations gives you some balance and something to embrace as you work toward this, and also as you move forward on your path.

In closing, it's important to know that this is all normal. We all go through it, and we all have doubts and also the desire for said person to chase us. But it's a huge turning point for you when you see this relationship is NOT what YOU want and you are releasing it so you can bring someone more positive, uplifiting and secure into your life. You have to clean out the old to make room for the new.

If you are constantly feeding off morsels and crumbs, you will forever be malnourished!!!! Don't settle for only a portion of what you want. Let go so you can call into existence and manifest the love you REALLY yearn for and one that is reciprocal!

Blessed Be, Ms Lisa M

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Why We Cheat!

Infidelity!  It's painful no matter whom it is happening to.  Women feel it.  Men feel it.  And the betrayal of such acts can shake any foundation to it's core and just level it completely.

If you've ever been "cheated" on you then know the array of emotions which flood through your pores like a damn bursting.  You feel it on every level.  It causes intense damage to the one being betrayed.

Many people make the bold statment, "If I ever found out my partner were cheating on me I'd be out the door in a heartbeat. That would be IT!"  Funny how how those same people end up eating their shoes when it does happen.

When you find your partner has been unfaithful, you would think your first reaction would be to leave, or tell them to leave, and normally, this does happen, but it's not without a great deal of angst.  What I mean by this is you have no idea how you will react until this actually does happen to you.

When you love someone with your whole heart, and you trust them explicitly, and you believe the two of you are happy, but you find they have been unfaithful, you go through so many vast emotions your head spins.

Let's run through some of them; disbelief; shock; anger; sadness; insecurity; shame; worthlessness; pain; sorrow; mistrust; inadequacy; fear; jealousy; envy; indignation; numbness; defeat; denial; longing....

Now imagine feeling ALL of those feelings at once, or one right after the other. It's a rollercoaster of emotion, and it consumes your mind and every fiber of your being.

How it starts

There you are. The two of you.  Work, money, children, day to day stresses have piled up.  There was a time you would both turn to one another for comfort and support, you'd bond through difficult times.  But, now, with so much piled on each one's shoulders (She: taking care of the home, children, working outside of the home.  He: Carrying the bulk of the finances, losing himself in his work, not wanting to open up and talk) you've found you've grown apart.  You both feel it, but you both ignore it hoping it's just a phase.  You turn to your friends or family and they all tell you, "This is marriage. Peaks and valleys" and they are right, but it needs to be addressed, not accepted.

Growing apart is horrible. It's lonely and isolating, and usually it happens when people shut down.  Now, I am not a male-basher, but, suffice it to say, I do find men shut down first.  We women want to address it, we attempt to, but we're either rebuffed or blown off, or worse, we're called paranoid or insecure.  NO! We're not! We feel it. We feel it long before men do, and we KNOW where it is going to lead.

When issues are not addressed and resolved, what happens is they pile up.  Communication breaks down.  We are no longer relating intimately. Over time, and with enough issues mounting, we then fall into a pattern of survival of fittest.  Who can outwait who.  Who can be more silent.

We then resort to childish antics to get the attention we are screaming for. Women make dinner late or no longer save a plate in the oven for her overworked husband.  The husband will start to leave the toilet seat up, leave his clothes laying about, or "forget" to kiss her goodbye before leaving for work.  It's a passive aggressive tactic to get negative attention.  You would wonder why someone would want negative attention. Well, the truth is, any attention is wanted whether it be good or bad, it's still attention.

Women then shift into the role of "nag". We start to complain about the toilet seat, while he shuts down and rolls his eyes, ignoring her and escaping into ESPN.  And before you know it, it's now hit the bedroom. 

The bedroom. The one place where no matter how bad the fight, or how much stress has hit you, it was the ONE place that seemed unaffected.  Or was it really?  Do not make the mistake of thinking because you're still having sex that you're still "making love" because you are not.  Sometimes, most times, couples still continue to have sex even when things are falling apart as a way of being close, having that intimacy, or, well, probably, for sexual gratification and release. It does not mean all is right with the marriage just because you have engaged in some crazy, monkey sex. It means that desire is still there, but for what reasons? What has ignited this?  Women seem to feel sex will bring the couple closer. But a great portion of the time a woman, after sex with her estranged or non-present husband, will actually feel much worse.  She'll feel more ignored. And usually this is when she wants to discuss it.  The time for a serious discussion about the marriage should never be done in place of pillow talk. The last thing a man wants to hear after sex is, "What are you thinking?"  This annoys EVERY ladies, don't do it.

Now, the two have grown apart. They are barely engaged in conversation any longer other than talk about the bills, the kids, the family reunion next month, etc.  The intimacy is non-existent, and both are lost in their own world.  Men have shut down. Women have become obsessed and/or insecure about their spouses love.  It's just a breeding ground for infidelity on BOTH parts.

Women are more apt to suspect their partners of cheating. In fact, it's the FIRST thing we suspect when communication and sex breaks down.  Men, eh, a little slower on the uptake. Call it ego, arrogance or ignorance, they simply cannot imagine their wives having desires outside of the marriage.  They become clueless.

Why men cheat!

Okay, I admit it, there are those men who like "variety".  These men are the ones that can have the perfect spouse, perfect life, little if any stress and still want to conquer women.  They are the womanizers. These men don't just hook up with various women just "because". They do it because they base their masculinity and virility on the amount of their conquests and the amount of women they've bedded.  Every single man, womanizer, who does this is suffering from insecurity.  They come off as arrogant, confidant, way too sure of themselves and pompous. This is a mask. It's to cover how truly inadequate they feel.  Remember that.

But I'm talking about the husband.  The everyday Joe who gets up, trips on the toy truck as he makes his way to the shower, goes to work in his mini van, and is cheating!  The reason why "Joe" cheats. 

A man wants to feel powerful.  He wants to feel desired. He wants to feel as though HE is the MAN and wants you to see him with unjaded eyes.  He doesn't want to be made to feel like a failure. He wants empowerment as much as women do, and he wants to know his value.

Now, in every single relationship on this planet, there comes a time when couples fall into a pattern.  I'm not saying never tell your husband he forgot to get the garbage cans, or rant when he leaves the toilet seat up. What we forget is that the person on the other end of the nagging and ranting has feelings too. Yes, even men.  I cannot tell you how many times a husband or boyfriend has come to me telling me how their woman makes them feel like a child.  Speaking to your spouse in a demeaning, condescending way always makes them feel inadequate and if done enough times, they too, start to believe they are.  They start to feel they are falling short, they are severely flawed and they shut down. Men do this constantly.

When you see your partner starting to shut down; not fighting back, not defending themselves against your critisism, not engaging in anything, it means either their spirit has been debiliatated or you've said it so many times, in so many ways, that they've tuned you out and closed down.  This is a huge warning sign!

 A man who feels "less than" will show this in his every expression.  He seems broken, or even lost. He falls silent and it's almost like a beacon to other women that this man "needs" something.  It always starts the same.  The secretary in his office asks him if he's okay, or what's wrong.  Or a customer of his notices he's no longer smiling, and offers him some lemonade and dialogue.  What the "other woman" does is focus on HIM.  She asks about his interests, she listens intently, she laughs at his jokes.  The other woman is making him FEEL important!  THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENS.  Yes, she is seeing in YOUR man all the things that you see, but isn't dealing with his indifference because he hasn't shut down on her.  He is TALKING to her.  She is LISTENING.  And BAM there it is!

Why Women Cheat!

Women never think they will cheat.  We are not built that way.  We actually don't plan on it.  Yes, you will get the occassional vicious woman who wants to get back at her man for whatever he's done, and wants to hit him where it hurts. Again, this kind of woman is also insecure and using sex as a way to mask her own feelings of inadequacy.  This is never about the man, this is about how she chooses to deal with conflict in her life. She runs from man to man in an effort to "feel" period!

I'm talking about "Sally".  The woman who is overwhelmed with working outside of the home, then sitting and helping the kids with homework while making dinner and doing 10 loads of laundry, all the while working on her business proposal for work.  The woman who's needs are severely neglected. She eats cold dinners because she's cutting everyone's meat, including her husbands, she drinks cold coffee because she was on the phone with the PTA fundraiser donating 300 cookies to the bake sale, and she collapses into bed every night only to get pawed or, worse, ravaged at 2 a.m. by her husband who is feeling sexually neglected. Sex has become yet another chore for her. Shaving her legs is 4 minutes out of her day that she just can't spare.  She's exhausted, and she's neglected. She needs help.

This woman has bitten her tongue.  And her husband thinks she's nagging about what he hasn't done around the house, but what he forgets is when it all started, his falling short with his chores, she did "ask" politely. She did "remind" him tenderly.  It's only after 4 yrs of him blowing her off and her becoming suffocated by all the duties that she has not snapped a gasket.

These women are NOT shrews.  They are tired.  They may ask you to pick up your clothes, but that is because they are busy doing 40 other things that men seem to think get miraculously done by some mythological fairy who waves a wand and POOF the laundry is folded, ironed, hung up, or placed in drawers.  Sally is tired.  And yes, she is sexually frustrated too.

She daydreams.  She use to be a rebel.  It doesn't help that her husband has pointed out how she is "no fun" any more.  It angers her when he reminds her of how "wild" she use to be.  She remembers, trust me.  She remembers vividly. But she is now a wife, a mother, an employee and she has to be responsible.  No one knows better than Sally that she is no longer Sally. She is running on auto pilot.  She is ignored, neglected and just dismissed.  She is catering to everyone's needs and with whatever energy Sally has left, she finds time to bathe if she's lucky.  So when her husband stops with the compliments, and stops with the nuzzling, and resorts to indifference and silence, Sally becomes more withdrawn, and more angry, and her luster has tarnished.  And THIS is Sally's breeding ground for disaster!

This is when the contractor building her husband's deck, or the electrician fixing the blown fuse steps in.  He smiles at her. He compliments her.  He shows her a little attention.  And what is tragic and very sad is THAT is all it takes, a LITTLE attention.  You'll  notice Sally starts to wear lipstick when the contractor is coming over.  She leans against the wall talking to him about his work. She's showing interest in what he does, and he, in turn, is making her feel desired again. They exchange glances and you notice Sally found the time to shave her legs again...uh uh...look out!  She's buying nicer lingerie. She is humming while folding laundry, and she's no longer nagging her husband.  She doesn't nag any longer because she's floating on cloud 9 and sexually satisfied and those mundane annoyance no longer really annoy her. SHE DOESN'T CARE ANYMORE!

Cheating happens with both men and women.  It's not isolated to men only.  It doesn't mean they are a bad person.  Cheating is NOT the reason your marriage/relationship fell apart, it is a SYMPTOM that the relationship is falling apart.  It's something that happens when someone in the marriage is not having their needs fulfilled or they are feeling inadequate, insecure or undesired.  It's a symptom of feeling unappreciated and taken for granted.  It happens when blame is put on the other person, or not addressing issues in a respectful way.  It happens when all communication has resorted to fighting and name calling.  It's when you forget you LOVE the person and become their opponent.  Cheating happens when someone feels they are wrong all the time. 

It's important to understand men and women BOTH need to feel appreciated.  Both parties need to be seen as people, the people you fell in love with.  Not a paycheck, not a maid, not a room-mate.

It's important to have time to yourselves, away from the house, away from the kids. It's important to reconnect, and it's imperative you address this before the fighting, or worse, the silence sets in!

Why he left you for me!

Why He Left You For Me….(fictional tale of a mistress, don't anyone think this is me lol)

First off, I am NOT a home-wrecker, nor am I a whore. I’m not white trash, nor am I a drunk, drug addict or tramp. I did not steal your husband. I am his mistress, yes…but, most importantly, I am who you were when he fell in love with you. My, oh, my, how you’ve changed. You don’t see it, do you? Seriously? Well, then, let me outline it for you.

I smile when he comes through the door. I light up like the fourth of July. Here he is. This beautiful man walking through the door is here to see me! I run to him and wrap my body around him and kiss him passionately. Just his chest pressed against mine makes my heart beat faster, and my palms sweat. I tell him how I ache for him and how he’s the most handsome, most powerful, and most important man in the world. He feels like a god when I whisper this in his ear. And he calls me his baby. I’m in heaven.

Do remember when YOU use to do that? You would run out to the garage before he even got out of the car and waiting, anxiously, for him to exit. You weren’t in the house fuming because he didn’t take the dog out before work. Those hugs and kisses you once gave him upon his arrival home have now been replaced with you nagging about how he didn’t bring the garbage cans in, before you’ve even said hello. Remember when you were actually happy to see him, and expressed this, and he, in turn, greeted you the same way? Remember how that made you feel?

As he sits on my couch clicking through the sports stations, I say nothing. I have no desire to watch TV, he can watch what he pleases, just his being in the same room is enough for me. If he’s happy, I’m happy. I can watch TV later. I throw my legs over his and curl up next to him and let him educate me on what a quarterback is, or how many homeruns were hit in 1812. He likes to share his interests with me, and I like to hear what interests him. It may not be my cup of tea, but my “knit one, pearl two” conversation isn’t his cup of tea either, but he listens to it. It’s give and take, and he’s only too happy to give and receive.

Remember when he sat with you at the vet’s office when you’re dog was sick. He hugged you and comforted you, and even sat up with you all night until the dog was better? Remember how you sat with him all night when he was worried about cut-backs at work and you listened as he vented, trying to soothe him, and telling him it didn’t matter, as long as you had each other, and empowering him telling him he was too good for that job anyway. Now, when he worries, all you seem to do is worry about the money and not about how he feels about it. You make it worse by hounding him and then chastising him for not making more money, and stressing him out even more, leaving him feeling like a failure when you tell him you won’t support him if he loses the job, and he better find another one.

After watching the game, I then start dinner. I make his favorite, that fabulous Rib-Eye steak and loads of mashed potatoes smothered in gravy. He devours it as if it’s his last meal. I don’t nag him about his cholesterol level. I don’t remind him he’s not 22 anymore and point out how he’s getting soft around the middle. I don’t tell him to go brush his teeth because the onions are foul. He is perfection in my eyes. Remember when he was perfection in yours?

He starts to talk about the mountain of debt he’s under and how worried he is in this economy. I listen. I rub his shoulders and his neck, and remind him of how successful he is, and how everything happens for a reason. I remind him he is a great provider and money isn’t the most important thing in the world. I teach him how to see value in life, and love and I show him by leading him to the bedroom…

Remember when you made love together because desire was so strong you didn’t care where you were, or who might catch you? Remember when you shaved your legs and wore sexy lingerie. But he made the mistake of telling you how cute you look wearing his old shirt to bed and haven’t stopped wearing it since, and abandoned all black lace, and silky baby-dolls, other than on special occasions. Remember when you cared how you looked? Remember when you’d snuggle up to him in bed, but now “it’s too hot” and your wayyyy over on your own side? I know…I know…You have kids, right? Well, guess do I.

As I said, I’m not the vixen you think I am. I am just like you were at one time. I am the woman that adores this man. I am the woman you were that appreciates him, makes him feel wanted and powerful. I am the woman you use to be who listens to him and pleases him, and he in turn pleases me. I comfort him. I soothe him. I give him gratification. And, he aches for me.

You want to know who I really am? I’m the woman who lost her husband to a woman who did all the things I once did…I’m just like you!



Women cheat too, and I'm just the lucky bastard that saw what she needed and slipped in right under your radar.  It didn't take much.  All I had to do was appreciate her.  I am the man that you WISH you could be, the man you once were when you first started courting her.  I've learned that I should always compliment my woman, and give her that attention she needs.  Because if I keep taking my girl for granted, there will be some guy, some player, some lonely man who see's her value and snags her from me.

I'm the guy who recognizes she got her hair cut and colored and I'm the one telling her how she looks amazing.  I notice when she isn't smiling and I ask her why, and I listen to her reason, then comfort and soothe her.  Remember when you did that? Remember when seeing her cry broke YOUR heart?  Remember how she lit up when you gave her that teddy bear you won for her at the carnival. She still has it, ya know.  She still remembers those days and while you lay sleeping, another night of ignoring her, she stares at you and wonders what happened, why you lost interest.  She blames herself.  Did you know that?  She blames aging as the culprit, or her own sexual prowess.  Your ignorance is making her feel insecure. 

I'm the guy that makes HER dinner, AND does the dishes.  I smile as she eats, knowing she feels pampered and catered to.  I slip a gift under her napkin.  An old silver locket she had been looking at when we visited a flea market. She never said she wanted it, but when she held it, she told me her grandmother had bought her one just like it and she lost it during 7th grade summer camp.  I listened. I watched her face, and her eyes well up as she stared at that locket.  I want her happy.  I bought it.  She wears it now all the time, not caring if you see it, but knowing you wouldn't notice it even if you did.  You're so stupid she could tell you that you bought it for her years ago, and you'd never remember anyway. That's how much YOU pay attention to your woman.

I light a fire and we snuggle together, and I kiss her.  I kiss her for hours, running my fingers through her hair. Of course I desire her, but she loves to kiss, and I'm not going to rush this moment.  I'm going to savor every second with this amazing woman before she has to leave me to go home to you.  Remember when you use to kiss her passionately?  When was the last time?  When was the last time you held your woman, kissed her, caressed her and didn't expect sex?  When did you stop wanting to seduce this beauty and just go in for the instant gratification?  Can you even recall?

We then make love.  I know each spot that touches her senses and makes her respond.  I know how to please her as I don't only listen to her needs, but I'm in tune with her body.  I'm connected.  You disconnected a long time ago.  She melts to my touch, and to be honest, I'm not the best lover at all, and I'm not an adonis by any means, when you meet me you'll wonder if your girl is on crack, but...she see's me as an adonis because I'm good to her.  That's all a woman really wants. She wants to feel desired, loved, appreciated and valued.  It's not really all that physical with us, it's emotional.  And a smart man knows that for a woman to have great sex, she has to be engaged with her mind.  The greatest sexual organ is the brain, remember that for your NEXT wife, dude.

I'm the man that walks her to her car and watches her drive off, standing in the rain or even the snow, and I insist she text me when she gets home to make sure she arrived safely.  Not you. You're already asleep and smiling because that nag was out of the house, but if you only knew what she was doing, you wouldn't be so smug. 

She climbs in bed next to you, wearing MY t-shirt....MY locket...and doens't bother to shower my scent off of her body.  She wants it to envelope her. She wants to get caught. She wants out. She wants to be with me. She slips into a deep sleep, dreaming of our next encounter and she smiles upon waking when she rolls over, grabs her cell and I text her, "I miss you"....That's who I am!