If you've ever been "cheated" on you then know the array of emotions which flood through your pores like a damn bursting. You feel it on every level. It causes intense damage to the one being betrayed.
Many people make the bold statment, "If I ever found out my partner were cheating on me I'd be out the door in a heartbeat. That would be IT!" Funny how how those same people end up eating their shoes when it does happen.
When you find your partner has been unfaithful, you would think your first reaction would be to leave, or tell them to leave, and normally, this does happen, but it's not without a great deal of angst. What I mean by this is you have no idea how you will react until this actually does happen to you.
When you love someone with your whole heart, and you trust them explicitly, and you believe the two of you are happy, but you find they have been unfaithful, you go through so many vast emotions your head spins.
Let's run through some of them; disbelief; shock; anger; sadness; insecurity; shame; worthlessness; pain; sorrow; mistrust; inadequacy; fear; jealousy; envy; indignation; numbness; defeat; denial; longing....
Now imagine feeling ALL of those feelings at once, or one right after the other. It's a rollercoaster of emotion, and it consumes your mind and every fiber of your being.
How it starts
There you are. The two of you. Work, money, children, day to day stresses have piled up. There was a time you would both turn to one another for comfort and support, you'd bond through difficult times. But, now, with so much piled on each one's shoulders (She: taking care of the home, children, working outside of the home. He: Carrying the bulk of the finances, losing himself in his work, not wanting to open up and talk) you've found you've grown apart. You both feel it, but you both ignore it hoping it's just a phase. You turn to your friends or family and they all tell you, "This is marriage. Peaks and valleys" and they are right, but it needs to be addressed, not accepted.
Growing apart is horrible. It's lonely and isolating, and usually it happens when people shut down. Now, I am not a male-basher, but, suffice it to say, I do find men shut down first. We women want to address it, we attempt to, but we're either rebuffed or blown off, or worse, we're called paranoid or insecure. NO! We're not! We feel it. We feel it long before men do, and we KNOW where it is going to lead.
When issues are not addressed and resolved, what happens is they pile up. Communication breaks down. We are no longer relating intimately. Over time, and with enough issues mounting, we then fall into a pattern of survival of fittest. Who can outwait who. Who can be more silent.
We then resort to childish antics to get the attention we are screaming for. Women make dinner late or no longer save a plate in the oven for her overworked husband. The husband will start to leave the toilet seat up, leave his clothes laying about, or "forget" to kiss her goodbye before leaving for work. It's a passive aggressive tactic to get negative attention. You would wonder why someone would want negative attention. Well, the truth is, any attention is wanted whether it be good or bad, it's still attention.
Women then shift into the role of "nag". We start to complain about the toilet seat, while he shuts down and rolls his eyes, ignoring her and escaping into ESPN. And before you know it, it's now hit the bedroom.
The bedroom. The one place where no matter how bad the fight, or how much stress has hit you, it was the ONE place that seemed unaffected. Or was it really? Do not make the mistake of thinking because you're still having sex that you're still "making love" because you are not. Sometimes, most times, couples still continue to have sex even when things are falling apart as a way of being close, having that intimacy, or, well, probably, for sexual gratification and release. It does not mean all is right with the marriage just because you have engaged in some crazy, monkey sex. It means that desire is still there, but for what reasons? What has ignited this? Women seem to feel sex will bring the couple closer. But a great portion of the time a woman, after sex with her estranged or non-present husband, will actually feel much worse. She'll feel more ignored. And usually this is when she wants to discuss it. The time for a serious discussion about the marriage should never be done in place of pillow talk. The last thing a man wants to hear after sex is, "What are you thinking?" This annoys EVERY MAN...so ladies, don't do it.Now, the two have grown apart. They are barely engaged in conversation any longer other than talk about the bills, the kids, the family reunion next month, etc. The intimacy is non-existent, and both are lost in their own world. Men have shut down. Women have become obsessed and/or insecure about their spouses love. It's just a breeding ground for infidelity on BOTH parts.
Women are more apt to suspect their partners of cheating. In fact, it's the FIRST thing we suspect when communication and sex breaks down. Men, eh, a little slower on the uptake. Call it ego, arrogance or ignorance, they simply cannot imagine their wives having desires outside of the marriage. They become clueless.
Why men cheat!
Okay, I admit it, there are those men who like "variety". These men are the ones that can have the perfect spouse, perfect life, little if any stress and still want to conquer women. They are the womanizers. These men don't just hook up with various women just "because". They do it because they base their masculinity and virility on the amount of their conquests and the amount of women they've bedded. Every single man, womanizer, who does this is suffering from insecurity. They come off as arrogant, confidant, way too sure of themselves and pompous. This is a mask. It's to cover how truly inadequate they feel. Remember that.
But I'm talking about the husband. The everyday Joe who gets up, trips on the toy truck as he makes his way to the shower, goes to work in his mini van, and is cheating! The reason why "Joe" cheats.
A man wants to feel powerful. He wants to feel desired. He wants to feel as though HE is the MAN and wants you to see him with unjaded eyes. He doesn't want to be made to feel like a failure. He wants empowerment as much as women do, and he wants to know his value.
Now, in every single relationship on this planet, there comes a time when couples fall into a pattern. I'm not saying never tell your husband he forgot to get the garbage cans, or rant when he leaves the toilet seat up. What we forget is that the person on the other end of the nagging and ranting has feelings too. Yes, even men. I cannot tell you how many times a husband or boyfriend has come to me telling me how their woman makes them feel like a child. Speaking to your spouse in a demeaning, condescending way always makes them feel inadequate and if done enough times, they too, start to believe they are. They start to feel they are falling short, they are severely flawed and they shut down. Men do this constantly.
When you see your partner starting to shut down; not fighting back, not defending themselves against your critisism, not engaging in anything, it means either their spirit has been debiliatated or you've said it so many times, in so many ways, that they've tuned you out and closed down. This is a huge warning sign!
A man who feels "less than" will show this in his every expression. He seems broken, or even lost. He falls silent and it's almost like a beacon to other women that this man "needs" something. It always starts the same. The secretary in his office asks him if he's okay, or what's wrong. Or a customer of his notices he's no longer smiling, and offers him some lemonade and dialogue. What the "other woman" does is focus on HIM. She asks about his interests, she listens intently, she laughs at his jokes. The other woman is making him FEEL important! THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENS. Yes, she is seeing in YOUR man all the things that you see, but isn't dealing with his indifference because he hasn't shut down on her. He is TALKING to her. She is LISTENING. And BAM there it is!
Why Women Cheat!
Women never think they will cheat. We are not built that way. We actually don't plan on it. Yes, you will get the occassional vicious woman who wants to get back at her man for whatever he's done, and wants to hit him where it hurts. Again, this kind of woman is also insecure and using sex as a way to mask her own feelings of inadequacy. This is never about the man, this is about how she chooses to deal with conflict in her life. She runs from man to man in an effort to "feel" period!
I'm talking about "Sally". The woman who is overwhelmed with working outside of the home, then sitting and helping the kids with homework while making dinner and doing 10 loads of laundry, all the while working on her business proposal for work. The woman who's needs are severely neglected. She eats cold dinners because she's cutting everyone's meat, including her husbands, she drinks cold coffee because she was on the phone with the PTA fundraiser donating 300 cookies to the bake sale, and she collapses into bed every night only to get pawed or, worse, ravaged at 2 a.m. by her husband who is feeling sexually neglected. Sex has become yet another chore for her. Shaving her legs is 4 minutes out of her day that she just can't spare. She's exhausted, and she's neglected. She needs help.
This woman has bitten her tongue. And her husband thinks she's nagging about what he hasn't done around the house, but what he forgets is when it all started, his falling short with his chores, she did "ask" politely. She did "remind" him tenderly. It's only after 4 yrs of him blowing her off and her becoming suffocated by all the duties that she has not snapped a gasket.
These women are NOT shrews. They are tired. They may ask you to pick up your clothes, but that is because they are busy doing 40 other things that men seem to think get miraculously done by some mythological fairy who waves a wand and POOF the laundry is folded, ironed, hung up, or placed in drawers. Sally is tired. And yes, she is sexually frustrated too.
She daydreams. She use to be a rebel. It doesn't help that her husband has pointed out how she is "no fun" any more. It angers her when he reminds her of how "wild" she use to be. She remembers, trust me. She remembers vividly. But she is now a wife, a mother, an employee and she has to be responsible. No one knows better than Sally that she is no longer Sally. She is running on auto pilot. She is ignored, neglected and just dismissed. She is catering to everyone's needs and with whatever energy Sally has left, she finds time to bathe if she's lucky. So when her husband stops with the compliments, and stops with the nuzzling, and resorts to indifference and silence, Sally becomes more withdrawn, and more angry, and her luster has tarnished. And THIS is Sally's breeding ground for disaster!
This is when the contractor building her husband's deck, or the electrician fixing the blown fuse steps in. He smiles at her. He compliments her. He shows her a little attention. And what is tragic and very sad is THAT is all it takes, a LITTLE attention. You'll notice Sally starts to wear lipstick when the contractor is coming over. She leans against the wall talking to him about his work. She's showing interest in what he does, and he, in turn, is making her feel desired again. They exchange glances and you notice Sally found the time to shave her legs again...uh uh...look out! She's buying nicer lingerie. She is humming while folding laundry, and she's no longer nagging her husband. She doesn't nag any longer because she's floating on cloud 9 and sexually satisfied and those mundane annoyance no longer really annoy her. SHE DOESN'T CARE ANYMORE!
Cheating happens with both men and women. It's not isolated to men only. It doesn't mean they are a bad person. Cheating is NOT the reason your marriage/relationship fell apart, it is a SYMPTOM that the relationship is falling apart. It's something that happens when someone in the marriage is not having their needs fulfilled or they are feeling inadequate, insecure or undesired. It's a symptom of feeling unappreciated and taken for granted. It happens when blame is put on the other person, or not addressing issues in a respectful way. It happens when all communication has resorted to fighting and name calling. It's when you forget you LOVE the person and become their opponent. Cheating happens when someone feels they are wrong all the time.
It's important to understand men and women BOTH need to feel appreciated. Both parties need to be seen as people, the people you fell in love with. Not a paycheck, not a maid, not a room-mate.
It's important to have time to yourselves, away from the house, away from the kids. It's important to reconnect, and it's imperative you address this before the fighting, or worse, the silence sets in!
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