What many people don't realize is we DO need to mourn the loss, as we would a death. For it is a death. The death of a dream, hope, and potential.
What I find with many situations that aren't working and needing to be purged is we seem to hold onto the "potential" of the person/relationship. We've been blinded by the beginning of the relationship, as if this were truly the person they presented themselves to be, when in reality it was merely their representative.
We replay those first few months over and over, and we romantisize them from infatuation and illusion to reality and stability. That is not the case, I assure. Whom you meet, and whom you've been dating for the last 6 months, is not truly who this person is, nor is it truly who you are. We always put our best foot forward. We become the people we "aspire" to be. And when we enounter those first few twinges of chemistry we're high on dopamine and endorphins, putting us in a good mood, making even the most stressful situations in our lives, less tedious and aggravating. We are more at peace. We are more willing to compromise. Yet, 6 months later, when the endorphins have settled we become who we originally are.
What happens to most people when they are ending a relationship is they get stuck in those first few months. The focus on how he/she "use" to do this, or "use" to do that and how "good" it was. We all stay a little longer in a relationship than we should when things are going awry and there is no communication or resolution, and it becomes increasingly worse.
Women tend to over-compensate. They become less vocal, supressing their concerns and siliencing their voice in an attempt to "save" the relationship. When, in reality, supressing and silencing is only going to lead to resentment and shoving down important concerns. It's only through communicating that we find resolution.
But let's fast forward, you realize the relationship is not working and you start to think about either giving an ultimatum, or making threats, using silence to punish, or playing games. I will tell you straight out, NONE OF THESE TACTICS WORK! What happens is it causes more stress in the relationship and has you hyper-viligant and always aware of "things" going on. It leads to obsession. Your imagination starts running rampant and what you set out to do is actually backfiring.
Utlimatums do NOT work. It makes the other person feel controlled, even pushed, into making a decision they may or may not be ready to make.
Playing games, even worse, because it leads to confusion sending out mixed messages and returning to you the same mixed feelings, and then the wondering if they, too, are playing a game.
Silence is just combustable. When someone is ignored or dismissed as form of "setting boundries" without explanation as to why they begin to stew and eventually their frustration erupts in anger and will inevitably make the situation worse.
Too many problems and abrupt endings in love are usually caused by the above-referenced. I see it time and time again. Once you start the ball rolling in game playing and these other tactics the relationship is doomed. It's important to be honest. Honesty with the self is the key.
BEING HONEST
You realize the relationship is making you feel worse instead of better. The person you are involved with is not fulfilling your needs, despite you putting your heart and your energy on the line, and you discover that this relationship is not what you had believed it to be. It is important that you sit and ponder what it is YOU want, and realize it is YOU who is doing the choosing as to whom you want in your life. I see so many people worry so many nights regarding whether or not the person they want truly wants them. They obsess over how he/she feels for them, what they are thinking, what they will do, where the relationship is going, but it is rare when they, the person who is in the angst, takes a moment to ask themselves if this person is even worthy of their love and devotion. They've becomed so consumed with why the other person doesn't want them that they start to change into someone they THINK that person wants. UH-OH! BIG MISTAKE. For when you lose sight of who you really are; what you really want; and how you want your life to be, you will then set yourself up for a debilitating relationship that will never truly be worth it's salt.
So be honest with yourself, and I mean brutually honest. Don't make excuses for someone's disrespect of you, bad behavior, or failure to follow through. Look at it in reality, not in it's potential. Seeing someone only for what they COULD be and not what they truly are is detrimental to your heart.
Making the decision is the hardest part, once you make the decision to let this person go, and you remind yourself daily all the reasons why this isn't working, won't work, etc, then the hard part is over. We falter in this step because we are unsure, doubtful and teeter. It's important to MAKE the decision and stand by it.
There are a few healthy steps to this...First, tell the person it's over. Now this is normally where we go a bit overboard. Yes, there are some that deserve to hear the bitter truth about how horrible they were to be with and a list of all the repugnant things they did to make you end this relationship, but I will tell you from past experience, once you speak foul words, you cannot take them back. I always think it's best to end a relationship being the bigger person, the more classy of the two of you. Simply put, you tell them face to face (not on the phone, and not on text or email).
DO NOT GO OFF THE BEND. Be simple and to the point. Do not list all the things they did, it has much more of an impact if you say little about their flaws or bad behavior and more about yourself. For instances: "I just don't see a reason to continue this relationship. It isn't what I'm looking for, and I am not happy being here. I don't see this as progressing in the direction I want to take my life, and I wish you well". Now, I know to many of you you're laughing at this, but let me tell you, the mere statment of how it's not working for YOU packs a punch. The other person then starts to wonder "why" and they soon realize you are no longer accomodating their antics and you're focused on your own wants and needs. It's not selfish, it's just how it is.
Now, I know many of you need to throw something, kick something or burn something and this is the fun part. Write it out. After you end things, go home and write him/her a very long winded letter, outlining all the heinous things this person did and how they made you feel. Call him/her every name in the book, insult their mother, their dog, their private parts...whatever it is that you want to say. Now sleep with this letter, reading it each day, and revamping it. You HAVE to purge how you feel, and once you do, and once you no longer care what that letter says, burn it. Go around your home, collect all the trinkets and momento's and put them in a box and tape it up. When you're ready, discard it, or set fire to it. But whatever you do, do not put on a Michael Bolton ballad and sit with wine in hand sifting thru the box and remembering all the "good times". All that does is torture you. So seal the box and put it somewhere dark and scary.
Mourn the ending. That means giving yourself an alotted time to grieve the loss. I usually tell my clients to give it a week. A week of sitting in your pj's eating Ben and Jerry's monkey chunk. A week of staring at your phone waiting for it to ring (please, for the love of goddess DO NOT CALL HIM/HER). A week of crying into your pillow. And a week to just "deal" with it. After that time. Get up, wash the stink of you, and make sure you take care of yourself with hygiene, rest and food. The feelings of loss don't just disappear, but you can then decline your grieving time each day after your initial week to one hour a day to sit and recount what you want. You have to grieve because if you push it down and don't really review what happened, you are sure to either go back to this person, be pulled back in, or find another lover just like them. It's never good.
Many of us, when we end a relationship want the other person to pine, ache and just hurt. And trust me, they do in some form. We all want justice. We all have this secret hope that your absence will be felt and this person who treated us so poorly will WAKE UP and GET IT. Waiting around for that to happen only causes you more pain when it doesn't happen. Justice will prevail. They will reap what they've sown. But for you to sit on the edge of your seat waiting to SEE the results of this is not good. You're only giving this person more power, more attention, and more of you valuable time. You know the old saying, "A watched pot never boils"? Well the same is true in this instance. Waiting and watching and seething will only delay the process....
After you've grieved, vented, and started to heal, a reading is always a great way to start over. Do not focus on him/her, focus on you. Ask your advisor what transitions you're encountering, how to empower yourself, what is coming, what are the obstacles, what is the spiritual lesson involved and where your path is leading. Don't try to throw yourself into another relationship until you heal completely, and until your sadness and anger is gone. Focus on you. Focus on getting on path with your own goals and dreams. Asking your advisor how to obtain your goals and aspirations gives you some balance and something to embrace as you work toward this, and also as you move forward on your path.
In closing, it's important to know that this is all normal. We all go through it, and we all have doubts and also the desire for said person to chase us. But it's a huge turning point for you when you see this relationship is NOT what YOU want and you are releasing it so you can bring someone more positive, uplifiting and secure into your life. You have to clean out the old to make room for the new.
If you are constantly feeding off morsels and crumbs, you will forever be malnourished!!!! Don't settle for only a portion of what you want. Let go so you can call into existence and manifest the love you REALLY yearn for and one that is reciprocal!
Blessed Be, Ms Lisa M
No comments:
Post a Comment