Men DO read my blog, and they DO laugh at it, and agree with it. I will admit, however, my biggest following are my Divas (gay men). I am a Diva magnet. But the purpose of this particular post is for the male clients I get who are lovely men, absolutely the nicest gentlemen I've had the pleasure of knowing, but...there are the OTHERS. Now, the OTHERS are the men that I've counseled that just don't get it despite my best efforts. The ones, like the women I've discussed in prior blogs, that can't seem to understand why their potential mates have enrolled in the witness relocation progam just to get away from them.
I will admit, and I lower my eyes in shame, it's not all their fault. Women can be very confusing, hence the reason there are college classes entitled Women's Studies, because it does require a college degree to understand the female species and women spend 3/4 of their lives finding themselves. So if WE can't find US it's no wonder men can't find us either.
Yes, we women want a man who can communicate and express his feelings. Someone who can say I love you without being prompted by us to do so. A man who knows who he is and exudes that confidence without being an aggressive slob. We want a man who can lead, but not expect us to take a backseat, gently nudge us and assist, support and empower us. We want a man who makes love when we are in the mood, but doesn't balk at a little slap and tickle. We want a man to instinctively know where our errozenous zones are without us drawing the diagram or screaming, "to the left...lower...a bit higher...STOP DOING THAT!". We want a man who can bring home the bacon, and allow us to do the same or not, if we so desire. A man who knows who he is and knows when it's HIS turn to unload the dishwasher. We want a man who will take care of us but allow us to have our own autonomy and independence. We want a man who knows when a gift or flowers is necessary and when it's to be a surprise. We want a man who tells the truth, but not at every juncture (if my ass is fat, I don't need that kind of honesty, know when to shut your mouth).
Ah yes, the wonderful female psyche and anatomy...we are perplexing aren't we? We are a riddle wrapped in an enigma and shoved up the ass of a fortune cookie. In essence, we are bat-shit crazy. I fully and readily admit it.
BUT...oh yes, there's a big ole but in here...BUT, there are those men that aren't quite labeled doormats but are so needy or just odd that we literally will leave skid marks in the the wake of their presence.
This blog is for these men, and here's who they are...
Mr. Sensitive: Mr. Sensitive irritates the living shit out of me, and a lot of other women. Now I'm not talking about the man who cries when he watches Old Yeller, or talks about his deceased grandmother. That man is sweet. I'm talking about the man that has ALL his radio stations set to "easy listening" and knows all the words to Olivia Newton-Johns "I Honestly Love You" song. This guy smiles at you adoringly, as if to say, "Please love me cuz the last 100 girls called me a wimp". This man makes sure your seat belt is fastened before he pulls out of the driveway, and refuses to go anywhere and gives you a long winded diatribe about how if he is t-boned by a semi and something happened to you he'd never be able to live with himself. Every date he arrives with flowers and is wearing a cumberbun to go bowling. He cries when you talk about how your mom gave your dog away when you were 9 and he "feels your pain". This man's CD collection consists of: Air supply, Barbara Streisand, Paula Abdul, Gloria Gaynor, and Christina Aguilara. It's very difficult to distinguish if he's just sensitive or if he's gay, it's a very fine line.
His favorite movies are: The Notebook, Sophie's Choice and The Vagina Monologues. He LOVES to slow dance for no apparent reason, and he makes the bed after he gets out of it. When he joins you in the shower it's not for some lather and lust session, no, this man actually wants to bathe you. Creepy. It's really creepy!
He makes love, ALL THE TIME...never refers to it as anything else and feels it's an intimate connection that he journals about and uses poetry quotes. He refers to your vagina as "the flower" and he is the guy that sends YOU the emails with hearts, and puppies and stupid ass sunsets!
This poor, adorable, but painfully pathetic man-child is never going to find a strong woman who will deal with this. As I said, only one of us can be the girl. He needs to find either; A) A woman as controlling and domineering as the mother who robbed him of his coconuts or B) A passive, passive, shadow of a female who has no opinion and still dots her I's with a little heart. This girl collects stuffed animals and still puts them on her bed as a sort of decoration. Those are the ONLY two women that will will deal with Mr. Sensitive.
DISCO DUCK: Maybe in the 70's he was cool, and he kind of staggered his way up to 1982, but here and now in the year 2010 I just want to bitch slap him off his bar stool. This jumps into a vat of Polo or Old Spice right after he showers. He has soap on a rope, in those matching fragrances, in his shower, and he's so retarded that while wearing the soap on a rope around his neck he actually bends down to wash his feet WITHOUT taking it off to do so nearly strangling himself. But it just looks so cool on, he refuses to accept he can kill himself doing that.
His wardrobe is the big tip. He wears "slacks" and they're really, really shiney slacks lol. He has polyester shirts that resemble silk, but not quite, and he tucks them into his "slacks". He has the matching belt that matches his ankle aligator boots that zip on the side and have a 3 inch heel. And he has posters of "Farrah Fawcett" "Danny Terio" and, of course, "John Travolta" on his LIVING ROOM wall. His favorite color is plaid, and the appliances in his house are all that puke avacado green. His couch is made of pleather, and his ALBUMN collection he refers to as his "vinyls". He likes to seduce. He calls you "babe" "chick" "foxy lady" and "Pussycat". You just want to knock his teeth down his throat because every sentence out of his mouth starts with "man" (man, it's hot out. Man, I'm hungry, the 70's version of "dude").
\
He refers to sex as "getting it on" or "groovin" and his favorite position is doggy style so he can stare at himself in the mirror over his bed, striking a pose and fluffing his chest hair. He will stop having sex to untangle his gold chains that have collided with your necklace. Oh, and he sweats profusely, by the way (I'm told..cringe).
If a woman is desperate enough to go home with him, she must endure listening to "More Than A Woman" or Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On" in the midst of his foreplay in the beanbag chair back at his "groovy pad" and being told how luminous her skin looks next to the lava lamp. She is then led to his round bed where he turns on his a "flick" and she is now forced to watch "Behind The Green Door" on his beta max!
The only woman this man will ever have a chance of keeping is a woman who is either; A) Wearing a tube top, glitter eyeshadow and has her hair "feathered" or B) A woman who has given up on life all together and can tolerate his cheating!
MISTER SISTER: This guy can relate to EVERY SINGLE WOMAN'S ISSUE OUT THERE. He knows more about abortion, women's rights and PMS than YOU do, and YOU have the ovaries. He attends Pro-Life/Pro-Choice Rallies. He knows the plight of the woman and gets sympathy cramps once a month. He watches his calorie intake for fear his HIPS are spreading. He talks endlessly about natural childbirth as if HE'S the one having to go through it, and how HIS baby will be born in a serene pool of water with no drugs and no harsh light. He reads Maya Angelou, watches Oprah, and takes pre-natal vitamins so his hair is more luxurious. He's fucking annoying because he can relate to everything my body is going through and lectures me on the importance of calcium supplements. This man just needs to make the snip and cross over. This is the man that would transgender into a woman, and become a lesbian. He is THAT much of a feminist.
The only woman that could live with a man like this, and the one he should seek out is: A) The hippy chick from 1971 who looks like an aged and haggard Marcia Brady, who has fried her brain so much she thinks she's still at woodstock and can swing both ways, or B) A closet Lesbian.
MR METRO: Metrosexual men confuse the hell out of me. And I don't want ANY man that accessorizes more than I do. This man will primp himself right out of even the most relaxed woman's life. Now there's normal metrosexual behavior where a man is meticulous about fashion, trends and grooming, then there's MR. METROSEXUAL, who is just...just.....oye.
This man gets excited when you go for a manny pedi and wants to accompany you. He even makes his own appointments if you aren't on a 2 week schedule. He has his eyebrows waxed AND arched. He either shaves twice daily to keep a smooth appearance, or he has the setting on his shaver set to "Miami Vice" mode so he has that hint of stubble that is oh-so-sexy (eye roll). He has nair hair removal in his shower as his precious grapes are never to be shaved, but depilitoried (is that a word?). He uses Dove soap because his skin MUST stay soft, and he has more hair products than you do. He never uses a toothpick, but has those dental picks in the console of his vehicle. He wears a fanny pack or has a man-purse so he can carry his lip balm, wet naps and altoids. His socks match his shirt, and he has his teeth cleaned every 3 months. Now I know many women will think this man is awesome. And I did too. But...but...wait for it....wait for it....THEY WANT TO GROOM YOU. This man rarely gives a compliment unless HE dressed and styled you. When you get ready to go out, or he shows up for a date and see's you, he looks you up and down and then goes through his mental roladex of all the clothing he's seen you in and insists you wear "this" dress with "those" shoes and your eyeshadow much match your bracelet, and your nail color is all wrong. He's not happy til he's teased your bangs and fluffed your hair. It's unnerving because you're always late everywhere, all the mirrors in the car are adjusted so he can look at himself. He tries on more clothes than you do when you go shopping and starts buying wrinkle cream on his 25th birthday. He talks endlessly about exfoliating, botox, and veeners. And how YOU should get all this too. You will never be more beautiful or well groomed than this man. No matter how coiffed and spritzed you are, you will still appear haggish next to him, and he will be sweet by telling you "he can fix you".
In bed his silk boxers match his sheets, he balks at the hint of a little stubble ANYWHERE on your body and will start to tell you the benefits of waxing in the middle of intimate moments. He refuses to break a sweat in bed because it may affect his spray on tan (as sun can cause premature aging), and do not run your fingers through his hair, this results in him taking his hand off your breast so he can put each hair you mussed up back in place. His groans and moans are well rehearsed so he SOUNDS sexy and he's very conscious of every move he makes....
The only woman able to stick with this guy is either; A) Someone just as pretentious and shallow as he is, or B) A spoiled Daddy's girl who has nothing to do all day long but primp and wax and go on day spa trips with him midweek.
NASTY NEANDRATHAL: We've all met them, dated them, married them and divorced them. This man hasn't a clue, nor does he want to buy one either, as to what a woman needs. She is to serve and service him at will. Tragically, we mistake this man as "rugged" or even "confident" when really he's a pig! This man watches hunting, fishing, and football as if he'll be receiving a college credit by doing so. He washes his car parts in your kitchen sink. He calls you "Baby" or "Bitch" and burps in public. He scratches his balls in front of company, and he farts without warning. This is the guy that opens the restaurant door and walks in BEFORE you and lets it close behind him without even a care that you're standing on the other side out in the rain. He orders his meal before you, and wolfs it down at the speed of light. He then picks his teeth at the table by using a match book corner or the fork. If he's still hungry, YOUR meal becomes HIS meal as he reaches over and just digs his fingers into your garlic parmesean salmon. Tasting it, he doesn't like it, and spits it out into his two fingers and lays it on the side of your plate. GROSS! He laughs too loud, drinks too much and thinks nothing of dropping the F bomb at your grandmothers funeral. He doesn't brush his teeth on weekends or before sex, and he owns T-shirts only, all having metal band or auto shop logs on them. He talks endlessly about his truck, snow tires and tits. He only compliments you when he "wants some" and he doesn't believe in foreplay...for YOU. This is the guy that wears socks during sex. His toe nails cut diamonds and he thinks "manscaping" is for pussy's.
HHis love making style consists of pulling your underwear over to the side while you're sleeping and invading you whenever he deems fit. This man slaps you on the ass AFTER sex and tells says, "You're a keeper".
The only woman this man will ever keep is one who cannot chew through the rope or run fast.
(MORE TO COME...PART 2 SOON TO FOLLOW)
Ms Lisa M ~ Life Coach/Spiritual Counselor: Articles designed to give you the tools needed to find your path & assist in enriching your life!
No comments:
Post a Comment