How many times have you seen one partner giving and giving and giving while the other sops it up like a sponge and all their needs are met? Too many times to count, I'm assuming.
How many times have you seen someone change whom they are for the sake of a relationship. They silence their voice; they don't speak out against maltreatment; they tolerate far too much, fearful this person will leave them.
How many times have seen someone give up their dreams, abandon their goals and get off their own path following anothers in hopes of this relationship panning out and living a fairytale life in the end?
I cannot stress my next sentence loud enough, love doesn't hurt!
Let's look at you for a moment. When you love, you don't hurt the other person with cruel words, or avoiding issues and spending time together. You give everything that is in your heart, loving the person almost more than you love yourself and making sure their needs are taken care of and not worrying about your own (we're talking about unconditional love at this point, we'll get to the strings attached kind of love later on).
When someone is in love, the last thing they want to do is make another person feel undervalued, underappreciated, and taken for-granted. In fact, you go above and beyond to make sure your partner/lover doesn't feel any of those things.
When you're with someone who continues on with the same bad behavior time and again, not caring this treatment is hurting you, you must then ask yourself, "what the hell am I doing here?".
I need to be completely honest with you, women are more prone to this than men, but men are also guilty of it as well, giving so much in an attempt to get more. Shakes my head vehemently. It never works! For someone who truly loves you and, truly wants to be with you, would be treating you better.
We come up with so many exucses for poor treatment: He's just really busy. He is not an emotional person. He was hurt before and his guard is up. He's just very cautious. He's just not a demonstrative person. The list goes on and on.
My first question to a lot of clients when they are tolerating this kind of indifferent and sometimes painful behavior is "why are you with someone who is NOT giving you what you need?" Normally, when their answer isn't "because I love him" it is usually, "because I know once he trusts me enough, once I show him how loyal I am, he will let his guard down". To that, I say, NO HE WON'T!
Let me dispell some of the common excuses people make for shitty treatment:
HE'S REALLY BUSY
Now, call me stupid, but aren't you busy as well? No one is too busy to text or telephone the person they love. I have yet to meet one person on this planet that does not want to speak to or hear from the person they are in love with. Men love just like women. They do stupid, silly things to show their love. They WANT to see you. They WANT to talk to you. They do not put you off until they have time, in fact, they MAKE time. When someone loves you they always find time for you in some way or another. They may not be able to take you away for the weekend, but they can find the time to text, "miss you" and if they can't find the time to do that, you need to think long and hard if they have time to see you.
Settling for less than you deserve is the surest way to end up a doormat. Not just a doormat, but a booty call. Isn't it funny how this man hasn't the time to return your call or text, yet a week later has found time for that slap and tickle? Hmmm, odd isn't it. Isn't it funny that he makes no apology until his pants are fitting tighter and he needs you for some release? Isn't it odd how he can't meet you for lunch but he can play basketball in the middle of a work week? Odd, huh?
MEN ARE NEVER TOO BUSY TO CALL, TEXT OR SEE YOU. WHAT THAT IS ABOUT IS YOU NOT BEING A PRIORITY. AND IF YOU'RE NOT A PRIORITY, THEN IT'S TIME TO FIND SOMEONE WHO MAKES YOU A PRIORITY. END OF STORY!
Excuse #2: He's Been Hurt & He's Scared
Bullshit! We've all been hurt. We're all scared. But if you think about it, when you meet someone new, someone who makes your heart a flutter and isn't it funny how you no longer feel scared? You feel optimistic, birds are chirping, little hearts appear in your eyes, and for the first time in a long time you feel that flush of hope in the air. Falling in love makes you feel alive, it doesn't make you vapor lock until much later, and that is usually when you're internal compass is going off warning you that something isn't right. But, no one, not even a man, treats someone like garbage due to fear. They may not devulge a great deal, or they may move slowly, but they do not treat you poorly. Stop making excuses for his lack of commitment or lack of attention by passing it off that his ex hurt him so badly he's just too jaded to fall in love. That is utter garbage, and that is something women, who are chasing a non-commital man, say to make themselves feel better and to justify their own stupidity in staying with the unattainable.
If a man tells you he's too scared to be hurt, that is just a line. Men don't say stuff like that. This is usually said by a man who enjoys your company, wants to continue sleeping with you, but also wants to be free to explore other options. You are just the BEST option right now. This is the man that sits in a restaurant with you looking around at all the talent he could be with if you're head wasn't in the way. Pay attention, ladies...this man is full of shit!
Excuse #3: He's Just Not Ready Yet!
This is the most honest of all the excuses and one I can respect 100%. Any man that states this is being up front and direct with you. He is telling you he likes you, enjoys the time you spend together, but he's not ready to make a monogomous commitment. The fact that he had the coconuts to be direct should be applauded, and I wish more women listened to the man when he said this and didn't hear something totally different. Men say this, and some women hear, "I'm not ready yet, but I will be if you smother me and fulfill my every need". This is usually when the woman shifts into being the "perfect girlfriend". She brings him lunch, she knits him a sweater for the ski trip he has coming with his boys, and she just weazels her way into his life on every level, doing for him constantly, and thinking that he will fall in love with her, seeing her as irreplaceable and put a ring on her finger.
There is only a few ways this can go...1) he becomes annoyed and he starts to distance himself from her. 2) He actually feels compassion and breaks up with her as he does not want her to get hurt when it doesn't work. 3) He uses her and takes what she offers as it wasn't asked for and dates someone else who has more respect for herself and ends up committing to her instead of you....
There is never a happy ending to this kind of action. What I strongly urge you to do is hear that he is not ready. Accept the casual relationship and don't start fantasizing that "in time" it will change. It won't if you give all you have and all you are in the midst of his non-commital attitude. Simply enjoy the dating, and continue to keep your options open. Don't change yourself in order to win this man, don't give too much, don't offer everything, and don't turn into the girl you THINK he wants. Just let it go. The more confident and relaxed you are, the more likely he will come around, but hopefully, by then, you've already been dating someone else who is committing to you and you can respectfully decline Mr. Non-Commital when he comes around!
One of the most exasperating things for a life coach or spiritual advisor to deal with is a person who is NOT HEARING what is being said, rather, the words get lost in translation and they hear what it is they WANT to hear. It makes me insane, and it makes me a harsh reader, because I am not one to feed your delusion. If it's you I tell you it's you. I don't blame someone else. I will tell you directly to stop it. To hear what he's saying. To stop trying to twist the words he is saying to make them more palatable.
90% of the time, women who are doing this above, aren't really in love. A great majority of those who are heartbroken that come to me, THINK they are in love because what they are feeling is painful, but they are not in love. This is about "why doesn't he want me?" They are taking a persons avoidance or non-commital as there being something wrong with them.
Love is about chemistry. We can't exactly figure out what it is we love about another. We only know how we "FEEL" when in their company. But after years of counseling women/men, and even going through my own brand of obsession, it comes down to "how can you love someone who treats you so horribly?"
Well, we tend to justify the others actions. And, the big one, we tend to blame ourselves for the other not wanting us such as; I'm a bit overbearing; I tend to nag too much; I am too emotional. This list is endless, but the bottom line is your self respect. If you loved and respected yourself you would never tolerate such behavior.
One excersise I like to do with clients involves stepping outside of the relationship to see your own self worth. What I mean by this is I ask them what do they do if they are at a restaurant and the server is very, very rude to them? Do they speak up? How do they feel? I ask them how they react when a parent treats them in a judgmental or disrespectful way? I ask them how they handle someone who cuts in a line ahead of them without apology. If you tolerate injustice and rude behavior in all aspects of your life, the chances that you do not respect or love yourself is great. And if you don't feel those two emotions for yourself, how in the world can anyone else?
What tends to happen is when someone suffers from low self esteem and lack of love for the self, they then look to someone else they admire or aspire to be like and latch onto them, conditioning themselves to believe that is THIS person finds them worthy then they mean something. And in that, they tend to abandon who they are in an effort to "win" this person, and eventually feel worthy...shakes my head, it's a horrible cycle.
So, when a client who is heartbroken and in pain comes to me, and we look at all that is involved, and they answer those questions, we eventually find they are seeking validation. Though to us on the outside, we can see this clearly, the person enveloped in it, is blind to the self sabotage and constant infliction of pain they are doing upon themselves. This person who is rebuffing you and rejecting you is not at fault, for they were waving red flags from their first hello, it was YOU that chose to see only unicorns and rainbows!!!
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