Accomodating and People Pleasing

Everyone at anytime is guilty of this, and we all do it.  Though it isn't usually an obstacle in life, it can be when one is CONSTANTLY accomodating and people pleasing.

I cannot tell you how much I try to teach women to stop doing this in love relationships.  I'm not saying not to compromise, of course a relationship is give and take, but there are some women (stands raising my hand announcing, "Hi. I'm Lisa. I'm a recovering chronic accomodator"), who are literally accomodating men in their lives that are NOT worthy of this.

Now, there is healthy accomodation where you have a loved one who is sick and needs soothing and comfort.  There is the mother that needs help in some way or form.  There is the best friend that has been there for you through thick and thin and in the middle of the night needs your help.  That is normal accomodation.  Unhealthy accomodation is when you have a man in your life, that is non commital, shows no respect, and blows smoke up your ass 90% of the time whom you run to his beck and call anytime he desires something.  There is the boss that has asked you for more and more and more and doesn't show gratitude of the hard work you do, and is indifferent to your efforts.  There is the mother that is the psychic vampire and who just continues to drain you and you say nothing and keep on giving into her relentless requests and/or demands.  These people DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR EFFORTS...GET IT!

I'm going to tell you a story that many will be able to relate to....Are you ready kiddies? Pull up a chair...

Ben and Alice meet at a party and hit it off.  After spending the entire evening in the corner of the party talking about where they grew up and past relationship faux pas, they end the evening by exchanging numbers and kissing goodnight.

Not even 24 hours later, Ben calls Alice for a date. He shows great interest and can hardly wait to see her.  She feels the same.  The flutters start and she is instantly hoping he is "the one".  Ben is attentive, affectionate, adoring (the three A's all us women love) and he has stated several times he is looking for that special girl.  He points out all the things he loves about Alice.  She's witty, she's intelligent, she's independent, and of course she's beautiful and sexy. 

Over the course of a few weeks he calls and texts and even emails funny things, loving things, flirty things and they spend nearly every night hanging out, having awesome sex, connecting on every level.  Alice is SURE he's the one....

Now...let's fast forward 3 months later (if that)...

Alice is noticing that Ben isn't texting her back as quickly, if at all, when she sends him a text (I hate text messaging by the way...it's impersonal, and most times cheesy, not to mention half of the meaning is lost in translation, if you text me...it better read: We need milk, mom. That's it).  Alice notices that he is rushing her off the phone, and getting aggravated with her little stories...the ones he thought were so cute....She becomes a bit worried.  She asks him what's going on, he answers vaguely that he's been tired...he's stressed...blah blah blah (come on girls you know the drill)....

Well, let me tell you what's going on. Let ME tell YOU the truth. HE HAS YOU! He has you in his grasp. You have gushed and told him everything you feel about him. He is well aware you want to marry him tomorrow and have a gazillion babies with this guy, and you are completely anamoured with him.  The courtship is over, all that's left of the surprise is the farting and the burping, girls...He has you. End of story.  But....ahhhh....herein lies the problem....He got you before committing to you.  That didn't come up. You're already in love and it's still casual.  You didn't want to broach the subject because it was too soon.  Now, you're stuck in CASUAL BOOTY CALL HELL!  Yeah, I said it.

It's usually during this time that this starts....

Alice is fearful he's grown bored with her and starts to think of what can bring the spark back. She's SURE she knows this man because of all he's told her in the last three months, and she's even met his mom and he gave her an affectionat pet name. She's fallin in love with a man that he presented himself to be.  The first flushes of infatuation misrepresenting itself as LOVE.  (sucks huh?).  Alice is frantic and wants the "old" Ben back.  She's convinced herself this is the real Ben....

What she so naively ignored was the warning signs that were all right there, those wonderful red flags that smitten kittens never see.  She didn't ask why he always turned off the volume on his answering machine.  She never asked why he had a lock code on his cell phone.  She didn't ask why they rarely went out but stayed home watching movies all the time...He was introducing her as "this is Alice" not this is my girlfriend. Although she noticed it, she said nothing as to why SHE always had to drive over to his place, why he never asked about hanging out with HER friends....There was always some excuse that she accepted....the signs were there....

This is the accomodation I'm talking about.  Women slip into it without even recognizing it.  They justify it with, "He has me come to his house because he just got off work and he's tired".  The truth of this is, she is running to his side and accomodating him because once she suggested he come over to her house and she was met with a change of tune.  He was then too tired to hang out and stated he was just going to bed.  Of course she jumped up and ran to his house on foot.  But this is what happens. 

So let me blunt yet again....STOP GIVING THESE MEN YOUR POWER AND GIVING THEM WHAT THEY WANT IF THEY HAVE NOT RECIPROCATED OR EARNED IT.  The bottom line is he's not going to commit to you if you kiss his ass as every juncture. You're not going to get the promotion by working 20 hour work days, picking up the office donuts and taking a pay cut.  You are only going to be used and taken advantage of.

The way to get what you want is to respect yourself.  To ask for what you want. If you're met with a "NO" or a vague response, that's fine...you don't have to throw the towel in, but for the love of Goddess don't think you're going to get more if you rub this man's back and feet all night and when your hand cramps he tells you it's time for you to leave. 

People treat you the way you teach them to treat you. Relationships are give and take and though it's true women usually give more due to our maternal need to "take care of" others, we also self sabotage by not knowing when enough is enough.  Accomodating a man who is non commital, non available (the married man), and non reciprocal stamps you a doormat.  You're not going to get this man to change or turn around unless you set boundries.  Say no.  Because what is going to happen is you are going to continue to stroke this person, and appease him and accomodate his every need, and you're going to become drained for your needs are left unfufilled.  Hear his words. Really hear them....Don't try to make lemons into lemonaide.  Hear the words. Hear the truth. And the truth is until you respect yourself and value yourself, neither will anyone else for you will constantly be accomodating people.

The most tragic thing ever is to silence yourself and bite your tongue and ignore those pangs in your gut that is already telling you this is wrong...You ignore it, supress it, shove it down, and your self esteem becomes ravaged.  You are now whatever it is HE wants you to be.  The smart, sexy, sophisticated, independent woman Ben fell in love with is now a lapdog and a lost puppy begging for morsels of attention and affection from someone who has grown indifferent.  You have just taught this man he need not give you anything in return for you are happy with crumbs. Never settle for less than you deserve.  Never put your heart on a butcher block. Never sacrifice your needs.  If your gut says "this is bullshit" then it is!!!!

I will follow up with the most common mistake women make when it comes to relationships and the do's and the don'ts of dating, and how to set boundries...

Stay tuned