When is "enough" enough?

My grandmother once said to me, "In every relationship, there is always one person who loves the other more then he/she loves" and though I don't believe that to be entirely true, I do see what she meant.

How many times have you seen one partner giving and giving and giving while the other sops it up like a sponge and all their needs are met?  Too many times to count, I'm assuming.

How many times have you seen someone change whom they are for the sake of a relationship. They silence their voice; they don't speak out against maltreatment; they tolerate far too much, fearful this person will leave them. 

How many times have seen someone give up their dreams, abandon their goals and get off their own path following anothers in hopes of this relationship panning out and living a fairytale life in the end? 

I cannot stress my next sentence loud enough, love doesn't hurt! 

Let's look at you for a moment.  When you love, you don't hurt the other person with cruel words, or avoiding issues and spending time together. You give everything that is in your heart, loving the person almost more than you love yourself and making sure their needs are taken care of and not worrying about your own (we're talking about unconditional love at this point, we'll get to the strings attached kind of love later on).

When someone is in love, the last thing they want to do is make another person feel undervalued, underappreciated, and taken for-granted.  In fact, you go above and beyond to make sure your partner/lover doesn't feel any of those things.

When you're with someone who continues on with the same bad behavior time and again, not caring this treatment is hurting you, you must then ask yourself, "what the hell am I doing here?".

I need to be completely honest with you, women are more prone to this than men, but men are also guilty of it as well, giving so much in an attempt to get more.  Shakes my head vehemently.  It never works!  For someone who truly loves you and, truly wants to be with you, would be treating you better.

We come up with so many exucses for poor treatment: He's just really busy.  He is not an emotional person.  He was hurt before and his guard is up.  He's just very cautious.  He's just not a demonstrative person.  The list goes on and on. 

My first question to a lot of clients when they are tolerating this kind of indifferent and sometimes painful behavior is "why are you with someone who is NOT giving you what you need?"  Normally, when their answer isn't "because I love him"  it is usually, "because I know once he trusts me enough, once I show him how loyal I am, he will let his guard down".   To that, I say, NO HE WON'T!

Let me dispell some of the common excuses people make for shitty treatment:

HE'S REALLY BUSY

Now, call me stupid, but aren't you busy as well?  No one is too busy to text or telephone the person they love.  I have yet to meet one person on this planet that does not want to speak to or hear from the person they are in love with.  Men love just like women. They do stupid, silly things to show their love.  They WANT to see you. They WANT to talk to you. They do not put you off until they have time, in fact, they MAKE time.  When someone loves you they always find time for you in some way or another. They may not be able to take you away for the weekend, but they can find the time to text, "miss you" and if they can't find the time to do that, you need to think long and hard if they have time to see you.

Settling for less than you deserve is the surest way to end up a doormat. Not just a doormat, but a booty call. Isn't it funny how this man hasn't the time to return your call or text, yet a week later has found time for that slap and tickle? Hmmm, odd isn't it.  Isn't it funny that he makes no apology until his pants are fitting tighter and he needs you for some release?  Isn't it odd how he can't meet you for lunch but he can play basketball in the middle of a work week? Odd, huh?

MEN ARE NEVER TOO BUSY TO CALL, TEXT OR SEE YOU.  WHAT THAT IS ABOUT IS YOU NOT BEING A PRIORITY. AND IF YOU'RE NOT A PRIORITY, THEN IT'S TIME TO FIND SOMEONE WHO MAKES YOU A PRIORITY.  END OF STORY!

Excuse #2: He's Been Hurt & He's Scared

Bullshit!  We've all been hurt. We're all scared. But if you think about it, when you meet someone new, someone who makes your heart a flutter and isn't it funny how you no longer feel scared?  You feel optimistic, birds are chirping, little hearts appear in your eyes, and for the first time in a long time you feel that flush of hope in the air.  Falling in love makes you feel alive, it doesn't make you vapor lock until much later, and that is usually when you're internal compass is going off warning you that something isn't right.  But, no one, not even a man, treats someone like garbage due to fear.  They may not devulge a great deal, or they may move slowly, but they do not treat you poorly.  Stop making excuses for his lack of commitment or lack of attention by passing it off that his ex hurt him so badly he's just too jaded to fall in love. That is utter garbage, and that is something women, who are chasing a non-commital man, say to make themselves feel better and to justify their own stupidity in staying with the unattainable. 

If a man tells you he's too scared to be hurt, that is just a line.  Men don't say stuff like that.  This is usually said by a man who enjoys your company, wants to continue sleeping with you, but also wants to be free to explore other options.  You are just the BEST option right now.  This is the man that sits in a restaurant with you looking around at all the talent he could be with if you're head wasn't in the way.  Pay attention, ladies...this man is full of shit!

Excuse #3: He's Just Not Ready Yet!

This is the most honest of all the excuses and one I can respect 100%. Any man that states this is being up front and direct with you. He is telling you he likes you, enjoys the time you spend together, but he's not ready to make a monogomous commitment.  The fact that he had the coconuts to be direct should be applauded, and I wish more women listened to the man when he said this and didn't hear something totally different.  Men say this, and some women hear, "I'm not ready yet, but I will be if you smother me and fulfill my every need".  This is usually when the woman shifts into being the "perfect girlfriend".  She brings him lunch, she knits him a sweater for the ski trip he has coming with his boys, and she just weazels her way into his life on every level, doing for him constantly, and thinking that he will fall in love with her, seeing her as irreplaceable and put a ring on her finger. 

There is only a few ways this can go...1) he becomes annoyed and he starts to distance himself from her. 2) He actually feels compassion and breaks up with her as he does not want her to get hurt when it doesn't work. 3) He uses her and takes what she offers as it wasn't asked for and dates someone else who has more respect for herself and ends up committing to her instead of you....

There is never a happy ending to this kind of action.  What I strongly urge you to do is hear that he is not ready.  Accept the casual relationship and don't start fantasizing that "in time" it will change. It won't if you give all you have and all you are in the midst of his non-commital attitude.  Simply enjoy the dating, and continue to keep your options open.   Don't change yourself in order to win this man, don't give too much, don't offer everything, and don't turn into the girl you THINK he wants.  Just let it go. The more confident and relaxed you are, the more likely he will come around, but hopefully, by then, you've already been dating someone else who is committing to you and you can respectfully decline Mr. Non-Commital when he comes around!

One of the most exasperating things for a life coach or spiritual advisor to deal with is a person who is NOT HEARING what is being said, rather, the words get lost in translation and they hear what it is they WANT to hear.  It makes me insane, and it makes me a harsh reader, because I am not one to feed your delusion. If it's you  I tell you it's you. I don't blame someone else. I will tell you directly to stop it. To hear what he's saying.  To stop trying to twist the words he is saying to make them more palatable.

90% of the time, women who are doing this above, aren't really in love.  A great majority of those who are heartbroken that come to me, THINK they are in love because what they are feeling is painful, but they are not in love. This is about "why doesn't he want me?"  They are taking a persons avoidance or non-commital as there being something wrong with them.

Love is about chemistry. We can't exactly figure out what it is we love about another. We only know how we "FEEL" when in their company.  But after years of counseling women/men, and even going through my own brand of obsession, it comes down to "how can you love someone who treats you so horribly?"

Well, we tend to justify the others actions.  And, the big one, we tend to blame ourselves for the other not wanting us such as; I'm a bit overbearing; I tend to nag too much; I am too emotional.  This list is endless, but the bottom line is your self respect.  If you loved and respected yourself you would never tolerate such behavior.

One excersise I like to do with clients involves stepping outside of the relationship to see your own self worth. What I mean by this is I ask them what do they do if they are at a restaurant and the server is very, very rude to them? Do they speak up? How do they feel?   I ask them how they react when a parent treats them in a judgmental or disrespectful way?  I ask them how they handle someone who cuts in a line ahead of them without apology.  If you tolerate injustice and rude behavior in all aspects of your life, the chances that you do not respect or love yourself is great.  And if you don't feel those two emotions for yourself, how in the world can anyone else?

What tends to happen is when someone suffers from low self esteem and lack of love for the self, they then look to someone else they admire or aspire to be like and latch onto them, conditioning themselves to believe that is THIS person finds them worthy then they mean something.  And in that, they tend to abandon who they are in an effort to "win" this person, and eventually feel worthy...shakes my head, it's a horrible cycle.

So, when a client who is heartbroken and in pain comes to me, and we look at all that is involved, and they answer those questions, we eventually find they are seeking validation.  Though to us on the outside, we can see this clearly, the person enveloped in it, is blind to the self sabotage and constant infliction of pain they are doing upon themselves.  This person who is rebuffing you and rejecting you is not at fault, for they were waving red flags from their first hello, it was YOU that chose to see only unicorns and rainbows!!!

It's All About Me!

Knowing yourself is the key to getting what you want.  Many think they know who they are, but do they really?

There is a lot of lip service with people.  But I have to say this or I'll bust....PEOPLE TELL YOU WHO THEY ARE WITH THEIR ACTIONS, NOT THEIR WORDS!!!! It's true what they say, "actions speak volumes". If someone speaks the words I love you yet they cheat on you, disrespect you, abuse you, or lie to you, this person does NOT love you.

You have got to know who you are before you can set boundries.  Before you can get what you desire, you must first know what it is you want.  If you ever want the respect, love and reputation you rightfully deserve, you have to know what it is you are made of.   This is what life lessons are for.  Each lesson, each step you take, whether it be positive or negative, is a stepping stone to finding out who you are, what you are, where you are.  Each step you take, you are making a choice, and that choice is going forward or going backward.  Standing still in the phase of a lesson is never going to happen. You either progress or regress. 

Knowing youreslf takes a alot of work.  When you're in your teens, you are TOLD who you are.  Your parents, teachers, friends, everything that surrounds you within this shaping period dictates your likes and dislikes.  It is setting a foundation, and tragically, many find they lose who they are around this time due to peer pressure or just wanting to belong.  That is what your teen years are for.  Then you enter your twenties...Ah those fabulously, firm 20's!!!  This is when you get a hint of rebellion. Your wings are sprouting and like a baby bird in it's nest you're attempting to take flight.  You flap your wings, and though you crash to the ground, you do have the flexibility and that air of invincibility to recover quickly.  You are learning your own likes and dislikes, yet the conditioning set by your adolescence and parental units still have a hold on you.  You still seek validation from these people and risk disappointment.  So we tend to, in our 20's, go back and forth and just seem completely rebellious, or, for lack of a better word, bipolar.

Then we enter our 30's.  As Madea says, " a light bulb comes on at 30, and if it doesn't, check your bulb...check your bulb". It's during this time that we learn to say no. Maybe not as firmly as we should, but we do say it.  We start to defy those who have tried to control us.  We've finally figured out what our favorite color is and what it is we truly enjoy.  We are a bit shaky still as we do still have doubts about being all grown up.  I honestly felt like a 16 yr old trapped in a 30 year old body at this age.  My body was aging and it was becoming more in tune with energy, but my mind still wanted to go to a carnival and experience that 20 yr old rebellion.  The 30 years are meant for you to outline your goals and set priorities.  If married, you are starting to want some autonomy. If you have children, you are giving your all to raising them.  But there is this knowing within you during these years, and following the next 10 yrs, that grows and grows and you are now starting to really, truly define who you are...

Then come the 40's...You start to see your mortality and things become so much more important.  You are threw dicking around and now it's time to get to business. You don't know WHAT it is you really want, but you do have definite ideas about what you DON'T want.  And many people take a terrible turn at this juncture and I'll tell you why.  Because when you guide yourself by what you DON'T want, you are sure to manifest it and draw it into your life time and time again.  You should be focusing on what you DO want and take that focus and apply it to your daily life.  I cannot tell you how many people regress at this time, and I truly feel this is why there are mid life crisis and the need for prozac.  We are our worst enemies at the age of 40 because we fear growing old, empty nest syndrome, husbands cheating because our breasts aren't as firm, our asses less taunt. But I am here to tell you that it's during this time in your life, when you should no longer focus on the outside but the inside instead.  For focusing on your insides, and becoming at peace with who you are will bring forth joy, and if you feel joyous, you will exude it.  Confidence is sexy as hell.  Think about it. When you see a confidant man, it's an aphrodisiac, it's enticing and sensual.  A confident woman makes a man's pants tighter, trust me. 

As time goes by we contiue to learn our lessons, take our steps, but you have to realize it's about you. Not anyone else. YOU!  No one else is going to bring you happiness.  Many people mistake their happiness is dependent upon their partner, their job, etc...It's not.  It LENDS to your happiness, but it is not the reason for it.  The reason you feel so empowered when you are in love is not due to the presence of another person, or the actions of said person, (pay attention for there's a HUGE epiphany about to hit you lol)...The reason you feel so confident, at peace, in control and abundant is because YOU FEEL GOOD...when you feel good you exude that, you manifest more of it. That is why when someone falls in love and they are skipping around with moonbeams in their eyes, they are nicer, calmer and paying it forward, they are productive, they are compassionate, they are not easily triggered, they are optimistic and positive and exuding this on every level thereby attracting more...And when love falls apart, all those emotions are the exact opposite, which thereby illicits more negative and hits you. It's usually during this time when someone says, "it can't get any worse" because it's one cluster fuck after another, and it's due to the energy your body, mind and spirit is permeating and perpetuating.

It's all about you. No one else. No one else is responsible for how you feel. YOU are. So if you're responsible, by tolerating injustice, disrespect, being taken advantage of or being a doormat, is never going to give you what you want. Feeling good and behaving in a joyous place is the key to attracting more.  Setting boundries and STICKING TO THEM is imperative to your own evolution and manifestation of the positive that is abundant and at your grasp. 

Accomodating those who mistreatment and seeking validation in others is an obstacle in life. It's a huge blockage for success and prosperity.  Only one person need validate you....YOU!