The Wisdom of a Broken Heart

THE WISDOM OF A BROKEN HEART

Why is it that we always seem to learn the greatest lessons through pain and heartache? When has anyone learned or retained a lesson’s meaning during a happy time?



We do recognize those wonderful times in our lives with gratitude and appreciation, but those “happy” feelings are fleeting. How quickly we forget, huh? We don’t truly “remember” those times as much or as profoundly as we do the memories that are riddled with pain and angst. Why is that?




Well, let’s take a look at it. When we are happy we don’t seem to obsess about said happiness. We live in the moment, we allow it to envelope us like a warm blanket and we accept the moment with a welcoming embrace. However, when we are met with a challenge, pain, tears, or turmoil we tend to obsess over it, trying desperately to “get out of that moment” and fix it or quickly abandon those feelings. We don’t want to feel bad. We don’t like pain. We do everything we can to avoid it and evade it, and by doing so our focus becomes all about THAT moment. So, we retain it. We remember it fiercely and with great clarity. I bet each person reading this can tell me what color shirt they were wearing the first time their heart was broken, but they can’t tell me what color their shirt was the first time someone gave them a compliment, or the first time someone said a romantic “I love you”.




When we have an altercation, disagreement, or argument, we can remember with fine tune clarity the foul things that are said to us, or the anger that wells within when someone says something offensive or insulting. We think about it over and over and even years later it can bring a grimace to your face.


What seems to happen when we experience pain and turmoil, and obsess about it is we retain everything about it. We’ve analyzed the situation over and over coming up with new answers to our own internal questions, trying to work out a “game plan” and even anticipating or next move. It’s like an intricate game of chess and we must compartmentalize our feelings, thoughts and actions. It becomes a three step process dissecting it into the smallest of details, thereby seeing what needs to be done, or learning through trial and error what worked and what didn’t.

But, let’s look at heartache. Heartache is one of the biggest emotions that solicit change. What I mean by “change” is we either learn to work through the situation to attain a goal, or we learn that it’s time to walk away. We learn to self soothe. We learn compassion for others. We learn what it’s like to make choices, whether they are good, bad or indifferent. We learn how to heal, or we learn how to express or suppress anger. It’s through heartache that we gain wisdom.






Heartache assists us in learning WHO we are. HOW we deal with it. WHAT we can do. And WHERE we should be, or go. We don’t always follow our internal compass that leads us to the optimal place, but it’s through each heartache we experience that we fine tune our intuition and learn to listen to our guides.


In my own life, I’ve had the same things happen, or appear over and over again, and even someone such as myself, who has learned all the tools to bring happiness and joy in my life, I still miss the signs and I still have to ponder the lesson. I still question the god(s) with “Why me?” and I still obsess over a painful situation, and I consider myself quite in tune with my own intuition and internal compass, yet the message sometimes, is all but lost on me. I find, when I ignore those messages or lessons, the same situation arises. It may be with a different person, or a different situation, but the pain I feel, or the turmoil and confusion is all the same.




When a lesson, or situation is constantly returning to your life, it’s a clear indication that the lesson from previous situations was either not learned, or not recognized and dealt with. It’s what I call the “cleaning out the closet” syndrome. You cannot continue to pack things in an overstuffed and extremely unorganized closet and expect it to fit perfectly. There must be some cleaning and purging.

Spiritualists and Re-Incarnation experts tend to believe and educate that we will continue the lessons in THIS life that we did not complete or learn in the last life.




Psychiatric and Behavioral Specialists believe that all pain and stumbling blocks and how we deal with it has to do with conditioning in our childhood and adolescence.




I believe it’s a combination of both. I believe there are lessons, people, circumstances that we carry over from past and previous lives and bring into this life to recognize and clean up, and learn from, and through our childhood, the conditioning by our parents and society either gives us valuable tools that assist in us learning these past lessons quickly, or make us severely handicapped emotionally and mentally so we struggle.




In the months that follow, I will be offering a 6 week course, and even a weekly article dedicated to this particular topic, “The Wisdom of the Broken Heart”. And it will be a dramatic and extremely challenging course for the participant. There is a process here, and I will break it down in simplistic terms for now, and will get into this extensively when the course is being offered.




1. PAST LIFE REGRESSION AND ANALYSIS: This will be an in-depth intuitive profile of the past life lessons missed, or repeated. Why you did not retain them, and how you have chosen to avoid or evade them, thereby bringing them into this life.

*A WORD FROM AZZRIAN VISIONS AS SHE WILL BE CONDUCTING THIS PARTICULAR PART OF THE COURSE:*

In the past life regression portion of your six week journey we will unlock the past.

I will do a full past life regression on your behalf - a 150.00 value.


In the regression we will find the root source of your problems in your past lives that directly relate to obstacles in your path in this life.


We will unravel the ties that bind you to repeating past mistakes, find the hidden reasons for current life path fears, find what causes you pain, loss, suffering, sadness and misunderstandings in your life today.


Then we will discuss how to overcome those blockages so that we can free you from repeating the same path both in this life and lifetimes to come.


Not only do we discuss this but I will formulate a direct plan of action for you to undertake so that you have an active role in your release from these conflicts.


This portion of the journey involves email communication and an online live chat session to communicate with each other about the plan of action.


Email support is always provided.


Here is an outline of what will happen:




1. We will exchange emails with each other. We will address your current path and obstacles.


2. A past life reading will be done on your behalf.


3. You will receive your past life reading, have time to read it over and absorb it, then reply with any questions or comments. You will receive a reply from me and we will clear up any questions you may have.


4. I will study your past life regression and find the connections between your past lives and your current path. I will outline the course of action needed by you to understand, acknowledge, accept and let go of the past.


5. We will meet via live chat to discuss the regression and all of its connections, meanings, and reasonings. We will have time to address any remaining questions and fears. We will discuss your course of action and you will be given a clear understanding of what you need to do.


6. You will go forward to carry out your plan of action and prepare for the next step in this journey.

*******************************************

2. Behavioral Conditioning: How your childhood has hindered or helped in the way you process information and your actions (or reactions) to situations, trauma, or negativity thereby becoming an obstacle in your life and relationships.


3. Lesson Plans: Designed for each client which will start to re-condition you and assist you in learning new tools and methods that help you recognize sacred signs and messages that will detour a great many poor choices, mistakes and bad decision making.


4. Exercises and Affirmations: Which will re-ignite your own intuition, assisting you in bringing more joy and balance to your life.


5. Learning to Let Go Workshop: This will assist you and teach you the tools you need to stop obsessing, to learn how to have faith in yourself and remove self doubt which also includes self sabotage.


6. Weekly Chat: This is where we discuss as a group the roadblocks you are encountering as you progress forward with this 6 week course, because as we progress and as we clean out the closets, we will find more mess underneath each pile. You will be able to vent and to purge your frustration and even express your joy with others who are in the same boat as you and through discussing these things will learn more tools to assist in your spiritual evolution.


7. Weekly meditation sessions: We will personally design mediations for you that are specific to the lessons you need to learn and embrace. Each step is tailored to the individual client.




In learning how to listen to your own intuition and how to read “sacred signs” that the Universe/God/Goddess/Higher Power is delivering to you, it will, amazingly, teach you your next step, avoid pitfalls, learn to recognize what is the right path for you. You will no longer doubt what you say or do. It will empower you and support you and your own spirit.




The most detrimental aspect of a person’s character is self doubt. It makes us do the dumbest things, make the poorest choices and limits our joy. We all want abundance, prosperity, love and success, and we can all have it. But, first, we must recognize and acknowledge that which we have not completed, abandoned and given up on. We must stay diligent in our own spiritual path, and we must find a way to release the negative and bring about change in the direction of a successful life filled with more joy than you can imagine.




The more joy you exude the more joy and great, positive opportunity comes to you. It’s the “rich get richer, the poor get poorer” syndrome. When you shift, and change and flow with transition instead of fighting it, you will find you are going to attract more of what you want and less of what you don’t want.

Why We Leave Pt 2

In my blog below I listed just a few of the types of men that women date, but eventually leave.  And as I said below as well, women are perplexing, and hard for anyone, even other women, to read.  We do change our minds a great deal, and we shift as quickly as the tide. Yet, there are some things that women will tolerate in men, if they see potential, or if the "good" outweighs the "bad".

REASONS WHY WOMEN LEAVE "NICE" GUYS

I know this is one of the most confusing to men.  Women complain and cry over never being able to find a nice guy.  And when they do meet one, they always leave him for the bad boy or the nice guy ends up shifting from boyfriend to roaming around the friend zone.  Let me try to explain what it is that these men are doing wrong.

There is a big, big difference between being a nice guy and being a doormat.  Just like I've lectured and tried to educate women on NOT being a wife before you're even a girlfriend, I will lecture the men not to be a husband before being a boyfriend.  These nice guys need to find their spine.    I cannot speak for everyone, and to be very honest, I'm having a hard time writing this because as I write, I know there are some women that like overly-attentive men who send those fuzzy emails, and cater to her every whim, BUT only when the feelings are reciprocal, and then there are those women that just use men like this, which is really hurtful to those nice guys because they never realize it until they have invested a good chunk of their hearts in the woman, and an even greater portion of their paycheck.

Just like women, men can give too much too soon.  They wear their hearts on their sleeves and they are a bit suffocating.  I had a client who came to me, and he said:

"I don't know why she keeps avoiding me. We dated for about 6 weeks and it was going great. I took her everywhere she wanted to go. I text her during the day to tell her I was thinking about her. I sent her flowers when she got the flu and even brought her chicken soup. But after I spent the weekend at the beach with her at her family reunion she stopped taking my calls...why?"

Now, at first glance you think "awww" he's so sweet, wish my boyfriend would do all that. Therein lies the glitch. HE WASN'T HER BOYFRIEND...YET!  And what the real scenerio was, was much different than the innocent and quite loving gesture you've read above. What really happened was this, and I'll break it down:

1.  They actually only had 2 dates.  After the first date, while driving her home, he made a second date with her still in the car.  He hadn't even sealed this date first but was now locking her into a second date.  This is awkward for the woman because she hasn't even decided if she likes him yet.  Men, don't ask for a second date until you've sealed the goodnight kiss, then judge how well the date went by that. Don't assume because she has been nice all night that she is into you.  Women give tell tale signs they are into you, and the goodnight kiss is always the clincher.

2.  He talked endlessly about things that were going on in town that he wanted her to go to with him.  How there was a concert March 2 (and here it is only November) and he wanted to take her to it.  He talked about his mother and how mom will just love her.  How his sister is having a baby and how he can't wait to be a  father.  This is too much information for date 1.  

3.  At the end of date 1, he pulled in her driveway, and walked her to the door (nice and gentlemanly, we love this), but he didn't notice she already had her keys out and had walked quickly to the door. As she unlocked the door, he kept talking about their second date, constantly REMINDING her that she agreed to go out with him again.  She politely smiled, nodded and went in saying goodnight without a kiss. BIG SIGN THERE, DUDE!

4.  Before he was even a block away, he text her with how he can't wait until Tuesday to see her again.  He then text her again when he got home to say it once again and to let her know she was on his mind.  He then text her the next morning to tell her to have a nice day, then again around noon to ask if she had a good lunch, then again at 5:00 to make sure she got home from work okay.  Then he text her around 8 pm to tell her he just heard a song that reminded him of her. (All this before date 2?).  None of his texts were answered or responded to.  So he called to make sure she was getting them. (shakes my head, DON'T DO THAT. WE GET THEM. DON'T CALL T-MOBILE AND ASK IF YOUR PHONE IS BROKEN, IT'S NOT, THE RELATIONSHIP IS!).

5.  Date 2 was much like date 1, only, it was worse.  He took her to a sporting event with his good friend and his good friends wife.  A couple/couple date on the second date is not good.  He kept trying to push her into a friendship with his friends wife and talked about vacations together, BBQ's and going over their house to play pictionary.  Can you imagine how uncomfortable this is for a woman who isn't into a guy, now is forced to couple up with her BFF's?  Meanwhile friends wife is talking to her the whole time about how cute they look together. 

6.  When she excused herself to go to the ladies room, he followed her. Yes. He followed her. His excuse was to make sure she found her way back to their seats (she's 40 folks, not 4) and stood outside the ladies room waiting for her.  Shakes my head...oye.

7.  After the sporting even, while following the BFF's for a fun night of board games she told him she wasn't feeling well and maybe she should go home.  He then tries to invite himself in by telling her how the flu was going around, blah blah blah. She declines his offer to take care of her and can't get out of the car fast enough when he shut it off and sits in her driveway to talk some more.   He then texts her continually through the night checking on her.  She responds with how ill she's feeling and she's just going to bed. This is a hint saying, STOP TEXTING ME. 

8.  Assuming she, in fact, has the flu, he sends flowers the next day with a card signed LOVE MELVIN!  She doesn't call to thank him. Instead texts him with an abbreviated "THX".  Ouch! He blast texts her asking her how she likes them, how they were sent to brighten her day, and a barrage of other things.  He calls, it goes right to voicemail.

9. After 4 days of him texting her worried she may have been hospitalized because of the flu or perhaps she had malaria, he arrives at her door with chicken soup.  She looked fine, he said, but she was very snippy with him which, to him, meant she still wasn't feeling well.  He then proceeded to ask her for a date for that weekend. She states she can't because she has a family reunion at the beach on saturday.

10. AH HERE COMES THE PART THAT IS A BIT OVER THE TOP...He shows up at the beach on Saturday and see's she wasn't lying, she DID have a family reunion, to which he just throws himself into it.  He is not introduced to her family, rather he introduces himself and says, "Hi, I'm Melvin, I'm Jolie's boyfriend". gasp, argh, noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo you didn't!

Now can ANYONE tell me what he did wrong? lmao

Yes, women want an attentive man. Yes, we want them to include us in their lives. We do like the texts in spurts, but there is a fine line between attentive and obnoxious. And throwing yourself, injecting youself, into someone's life uninvited is a deal breaker and a great way to insure she leaves skid marks in your driveway.

Here are the overt, and not so overt signs that show a man a woman IS interested.

1: They will lean forward, move closer, or smile a great deal, listening attentively and purposefully when you speak.

2. At dinner, they will not order spaghetti, BBQ ribs or anything with garlic or onion.  They won't order foods that will be messy to eat, or give them bad breath.

3.  When asked if they want dessert, the will want to "split" it with you.

4.  They will head to the restroom after dinner, not to text their BFF with "help me!!!!" But to primp. Take notice if their hair looks fluffed up, and they smell of mint as they suck on an altoid.

5.  They will go along with your future plans. If  you talk about a concert in March, and it's November, they will respond positively and in the affirmative by saying things like, that sounds fun, I've always wanted to see Lady Gaga!

6.  They will not race to their front door. They will engage in stupid small talk, not having their keys in their hand ready to bolt into the door. Instead, they dig for their keys in their purse, giving you enough time to kiss them.  OR they will unlock the door, but not go in, they will turn to you and again thank you for an awesome nite.  (*if a woman describes the date as: nice, good or just says thank you...then it's questionable. But if she says awesome, amazing, fun, great...then you're in!)

7.  She will kiss you goodnight, and it's not a peck either.  If she's eaten 20 altoids before you dropped her off, that is a sign she wants to kiss you, guys.  And that goodnight kiss is going to be a good one, trust me on this!

8.  You won't have to text her a block away from her house, because she will probably text you before you've even pulled out of her driveway, thanking you once again for an AWESOME time.

9.  She will answer your calls, and respond to EVERY text.

10.  She will look even prettier on the second date and sexier too, the dress will be shorter, the heels a tad higher and she's dressed in the color that you mentiioned was your favorite.

Women, like men, do not want to be smothered.  They don't like to feel as though they are being stalked.  And men, clingy men, tend to really go overboard, and I will tell you, it scares a woman.  There are a lot of freaks out there, and it can be a bit unnerving to have someone know everythng you've been doing. 

There are men that are just completely creepy.  They show up at your work; they try to befriend your friends or family members; they are constantly online waiting for you to pop on and IM you instantly as soon as your Windows Vista loads.  They are constantly available to you, and they want to ALWAYS be with you.  They will offer to change your oil on a Wednesday, and they will want you to meet their family right away. 

Men can be as bad as women, but they are worse because they DON'T stop. 

I don't know who educated these men, but they seem to think all a woman wants is a relationship and get married and have kids.  Not every woman wants this, and most need chemistry.  If the two of you have chemistry, she will let you know. She will touch your arm, she will sit close to you, she will make reference to it, and she will even make the frist move to kiss you if she's feeling confident enough.  But if there is no chemistry, you will either end up in the friend zone or a blip on the screen.

Take heed, don't assume that because she's a woman she automatically wants everything you do (marriage, family, house). Don't ever assume because you will probably be wrong. Go slow. Don't smother and dont send blast texts.  If you send a text, asking how her day is, and she responds with an answer, and a question, THAT means she is into you. If she responds with a one word answer...don't send another text!

How to spot "real" love

If you've read my blog (now deleted) you would know I don't mince words. And though, yes, I am a spiritual advisor and counselor, I am human. I write in the same manner I talk. I do not hide behind this "light and love" facade, nor do I have a pretentious bone in my entire body. Hence the reason I was not asked to be on The Real Housewives of New York. Well, that and the fact I'm from Boston (go Red Sox, bite me Yankee's). But I call a spade a spade and an asshole an asshole, TO THEIR FACE!

Now, that being said, there are definite tips and signs to indicate when someone really loves you. I will outline the ones that ignite those good feelings and reciprocal feelings, followed up by, what I refer to as the definite tell-tale signs he loves you. Come along with me...

When someone loves you, they aren't going to tear you down. Ever. I know many couples who are locked in this constant tear down method only to mask it with the phrase I'm only trying to help you be a better person. Okay, first of all, I do not need YOU to help ME be a better person. And who on earth says you are an authority on what better is?

When someone is trying to assist you in being what they call a "better person", they are not trying to change you. When it's authentic and genuinely trying to assist you, what a person who loves you does is they help you to focus on your qualities, your attributes, and enhance those. They do not tell you what to "change" they tell you what to enhance. The reason I say this is because when someone is always noticing the negative about you and not the positive it means they are judging you and looking at you as the glass is half empty. As if you are some project that needs fixing. You're not. You are a work in progress, we all are.

The worst thing you can do, when engaging with a person who is always trying to fix you is to see yourself through their eyes. Most times, people who are trying to fix you are doing so because they are too lazy to fix themselves. They want you to mold and shape and conform to what they want, rather than changing what needs to be changed, or perhaps, FIXED within themselves. They project, outwardly and in your direction, what it is that you do that either intimidates them or threatens them. So when someone is tearing you down in an attempt to renovate you, put them in their place INSTANTLY (as this will set boundries and define the line in the sand they are NOT to cross again). It need not be snarky. You need not be insulting, in fact, you should never respond with an attack, rather, you say, "Though I appreciate your input, I did not ask for it". I tend to raise my eyebrow at a person who is trying to fix me. I fold my arms at my chest, all emotion drained from my face, I tilt my head and raise my brow and stare dead at them. I say nothing. But trust me the message is clear that I do not like nor desire their input.

Another sign that someone loves you is when they HEAR you. Not just listen, but hear you. When a person acknowledges that you don't feel good and they ask you if you feel better. Or when you state you don't like sushi and they remember it and don't ever badger you to go and eat sushi. When a person hears it upsets you that they don't text you back for hours, and makes an effort to text asap. Hearing you shows they care about your concerns. They are working on the relationship. They see you as an equal, and they respect you. When you tell a partner the things that upset you or cause you concern, and they either continue doing it, make no apology for ow it makes you feel, or steps it up a notch by doing it more, this person needs to go. Seriously. It won't get any better, especially in the latter case. If someone does the same behavior, knowing full well it angers you, or wounds you, that is a deal breaker, and they need to be put in time out til they get it fixed, or they need to go. Trust me on this one, girls, a man who constantly does it is doing it because THEY DON'T CARE WHAT YOU FEEL OR THINK....kick this bastard to the curb.

A big sign of how important you are to someone is in how they introduce you to people. I once dated someone who, when we were out, would stop to talk to his friends while I stood closely by his side, and never, not once introduced me. When I asked why he didn't his response was Oh I forgot. You forgot? I'm standing right next to you, nudging you and coughing to make my presence known. How the hell did you forget? Well the truth is, I wasn't a priority. He didn't want anyone to know my name, who I was to him, and whenever a man does this, it's usually because they either; A) go thru women like fat kids go thru twinkies and you're not going to be around long so why make the introduction. Or B) They are completely ignorant and classless. Either way this person who does not introduce you needs a lesson taught to them. The lesson is you give him 1 minute to make the introduction, as this should be done as a greeting to the other party, such as, Hey Bob, how are you and Alice doing. I want you to meet my girlfriend, Lisa". That is a proper introduction. Sometimes if the relationship is new, they will introduce you as their friend. That is acceptable and for the love of goddess, don't call me to flip out that you were introduced as his friend and bombard me with wtf I'm his FRIEND? He didn't think I was his friend when I was naked with cool whip on my belly last night! Like I said, if this is a new relationship and the two of you have not stated you ARE, in fact, COMMITTED to each other and monogomous, chill out...If you have committed and he/she introduces you to a friend in a manner address it later. If he does it again, walk away as he introduces you as a friend. Anytime I was not introduced to a friend of my boyfriends while they engaged in conversation in front of me, I'd walk away. I'd be rude as hell, and turn on my heels and walk away. It infuriated him. And ya know what? Back at ya, babe. Oh and for the record, I'm single now, so I guess you can tell where he is now...CURBED.

Nothing impresses me more than when I go to dinner or lunch with a man I've dated a couple times and while paroosing the menu he points out something on it that he knows I like (which is usually on the dessert menu lol, anything chocolate). For someone to have YOU on their mind when they see something they know you like, and remember it, then voice it, is like music to my ears. It shows they are listening to you and they have taken note of it. It speaks volumes. Those things really stand out. And if he/she shares their food with you and steals bites from your plate...Oh yeah, good signs there.

There are so many little signs someone is in love with you that so many people miss. They focus so much on the BIG things that all the little things go unnoticed and actually, make the person who is showing you their love with subtle things feel unappreciated. It's important to acknowledge those little things, not dismiss them, or not notice. Such as these:

You fall asleep on the couch and they care enough to cover you with a blanket so you aren't cold


They thank you for the little things you do, showing they acknowledge them and appreciate them.

They buy your favorite ice cream and share a bowl with you even though they would've preferred strawberry instead of choclate.

They ask about your family; how they are doing; their names; etc

They check the oil in your car, or better yet, they pump your gas for you. I once had a boyfriend that had the balls to sit in MY car while I pumped my own gas. I leaned in the window and asked, "You comfy princess?" He got out right away and took over. My goodness, what an idiot he was.

A big one is when they are having a problem with a family member, coworker or friend and they confide in you and ask your opinion. This means they value your opinion.

They kiss you hello and goodbye. Even if you're sleeping they let you know they are leaving.

They buy your tampons with no questions asked other than, is it the pink box or the blue one. What are wings?

My point is, pay attention to the little things, THOSE are the signs that matter. Those are the signals that you are important and a priority. Stop thinking if he loved you he'd send you flower; he's buy the ring; he'd move in with you. No. Those aren't the meat of someone's love, those are the bonus'. The meat is when you are sick and he is running his fingers through your hair and asking if you need anything...PAY ATTENTION to those things, not when you're going to meet his mother!

Accomodating and People Pleasing

Everyone at anytime is guilty of this, and we all do it.  Though it isn't usually an obstacle in life, it can be when one is CONSTANTLY accomodating and people pleasing.

I cannot tell you how much I try to teach women to stop doing this in love relationships.  I'm not saying not to compromise, of course a relationship is give and take, but there are some women (stands raising my hand announcing, "Hi. I'm Lisa. I'm a recovering chronic accomodator"), who are literally accomodating men in their lives that are NOT worthy of this.

Now, there is healthy accomodation where you have a loved one who is sick and needs soothing and comfort.  There is the mother that needs help in some way or form.  There is the best friend that has been there for you through thick and thin and in the middle of the night needs your help.  That is normal accomodation.  Unhealthy accomodation is when you have a man in your life, that is non commital, shows no respect, and blows smoke up your ass 90% of the time whom you run to his beck and call anytime he desires something.  There is the boss that has asked you for more and more and more and doesn't show gratitude of the hard work you do, and is indifferent to your efforts.  There is the mother that is the psychic vampire and who just continues to drain you and you say nothing and keep on giving into her relentless requests and/or demands.  These people DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR EFFORTS...GET IT!

I'm going to tell you a story that many will be able to relate to....Are you ready kiddies? Pull up a chair...

Ben and Alice meet at a party and hit it off.  After spending the entire evening in the corner of the party talking about where they grew up and past relationship faux pas, they end the evening by exchanging numbers and kissing goodnight.

Not even 24 hours later, Ben calls Alice for a date. He shows great interest and can hardly wait to see her.  She feels the same.  The flutters start and she is instantly hoping he is "the one".  Ben is attentive, affectionate, adoring (the three A's all us women love) and he has stated several times he is looking for that special girl.  He points out all the things he loves about Alice.  She's witty, she's intelligent, she's independent, and of course she's beautiful and sexy. 

Over the course of a few weeks he calls and texts and even emails funny things, loving things, flirty things and they spend nearly every night hanging out, having awesome sex, connecting on every level.  Alice is SURE he's the one....

Now...let's fast forward 3 months later (if that)...

Alice is noticing that Ben isn't texting her back as quickly, if at all, when she sends him a text (I hate text messaging by the way...it's impersonal, and most times cheesy, not to mention half of the meaning is lost in translation, if you text me...it better read: We need milk, mom. That's it).  Alice notices that he is rushing her off the phone, and getting aggravated with her little stories...the ones he thought were so cute....She becomes a bit worried.  She asks him what's going on, he answers vaguely that he's been tired...he's stressed...blah blah blah (come on girls you know the drill)....

Well, let me tell you what's going on. Let ME tell YOU the truth. HE HAS YOU! He has you in his grasp. You have gushed and told him everything you feel about him. He is well aware you want to marry him tomorrow and have a gazillion babies with this guy, and you are completely anamoured with him.  The courtship is over, all that's left of the surprise is the farting and the burping, girls...He has you. End of story.  But....ahhhh....herein lies the problem....He got you before committing to you.  That didn't come up. You're already in love and it's still casual.  You didn't want to broach the subject because it was too soon.  Now, you're stuck in CASUAL BOOTY CALL HELL!  Yeah, I said it.

It's usually during this time that this starts....

Alice is fearful he's grown bored with her and starts to think of what can bring the spark back. She's SURE she knows this man because of all he's told her in the last three months, and she's even met his mom and he gave her an affectionat pet name. She's fallin in love with a man that he presented himself to be.  The first flushes of infatuation misrepresenting itself as LOVE.  (sucks huh?).  Alice is frantic and wants the "old" Ben back.  She's convinced herself this is the real Ben....

What she so naively ignored was the warning signs that were all right there, those wonderful red flags that smitten kittens never see.  She didn't ask why he always turned off the volume on his answering machine.  She never asked why he had a lock code on his cell phone.  She didn't ask why they rarely went out but stayed home watching movies all the time...He was introducing her as "this is Alice" not this is my girlfriend. Although she noticed it, she said nothing as to why SHE always had to drive over to his place, why he never asked about hanging out with HER friends....There was always some excuse that she accepted....the signs were there....

This is the accomodation I'm talking about.  Women slip into it without even recognizing it.  They justify it with, "He has me come to his house because he just got off work and he's tired".  The truth of this is, she is running to his side and accomodating him because once she suggested he come over to her house and she was met with a change of tune.  He was then too tired to hang out and stated he was just going to bed.  Of course she jumped up and ran to his house on foot.  But this is what happens. 

So let me blunt yet again....STOP GIVING THESE MEN YOUR POWER AND GIVING THEM WHAT THEY WANT IF THEY HAVE NOT RECIPROCATED OR EARNED IT.  The bottom line is he's not going to commit to you if you kiss his ass as every juncture. You're not going to get the promotion by working 20 hour work days, picking up the office donuts and taking a pay cut.  You are only going to be used and taken advantage of.

The way to get what you want is to respect yourself.  To ask for what you want. If you're met with a "NO" or a vague response, that's fine...you don't have to throw the towel in, but for the love of Goddess don't think you're going to get more if you rub this man's back and feet all night and when your hand cramps he tells you it's time for you to leave. 

People treat you the way you teach them to treat you. Relationships are give and take and though it's true women usually give more due to our maternal need to "take care of" others, we also self sabotage by not knowing when enough is enough.  Accomodating a man who is non commital, non available (the married man), and non reciprocal stamps you a doormat.  You're not going to get this man to change or turn around unless you set boundries.  Say no.  Because what is going to happen is you are going to continue to stroke this person, and appease him and accomodate his every need, and you're going to become drained for your needs are left unfufilled.  Hear his words. Really hear them....Don't try to make lemons into lemonaide.  Hear the words. Hear the truth. And the truth is until you respect yourself and value yourself, neither will anyone else for you will constantly be accomodating people.

The most tragic thing ever is to silence yourself and bite your tongue and ignore those pangs in your gut that is already telling you this is wrong...You ignore it, supress it, shove it down, and your self esteem becomes ravaged.  You are now whatever it is HE wants you to be.  The smart, sexy, sophisticated, independent woman Ben fell in love with is now a lapdog and a lost puppy begging for morsels of attention and affection from someone who has grown indifferent.  You have just taught this man he need not give you anything in return for you are happy with crumbs. Never settle for less than you deserve.  Never put your heart on a butcher block. Never sacrifice your needs.  If your gut says "this is bullshit" then it is!!!!

I will follow up with the most common mistake women make when it comes to relationships and the do's and the don'ts of dating, and how to set boundries...

Stay tuned